Turk McBride, a former athletic defensive lineman in the NFL, was known for his ability to play both defensive end and tackle. Drafted in the second round of 2007 by the Kansas City Chiefs, McBride spent six seasons in the league, also playing for the Detroit Lions, New Orleans Saints, and Chicago Bears. However, when his NFL career came to a close, he was forced to face one his biggest challenges yet—addressing his mental health issues head on.

When Turk first came to APN for healing, he was still stuck in his previous NFL-mindset: he didn’t believe there was strength in weakness. However, as Turk began to surrender to the process, he learned just how powerful and strong vulnerability really is.

In the APN podcast episode, I Had to Open Up About My Mental Health to Win: Recovery x Turk McBride, Turk shared how he applied the same principles utilized throughout his NFL career to his recovery process. Now, he’s able to use these fundamentals to better support himself on his journey to mental health and wellness. To learn more about Turk’s story, continue reading the article below or check out the full podcast on our YouTube channel.

When One Door Closes Another One Opens

For most of Turk’s life, he had been working towards his goal of becoming a professional athlete. When he finally achieved that goal, he did everything in his power to maintain that status. However, when it was all taken away, Turk was left with the harrowing reality of his depression.

“I stopped playing football in 2014 and I fell into a major depression,” Turk said. “I never assumed I would be one of those guys [but] when your wife is telling you you’re depressed, that’s the last thing you want to hear … I looked at myself in the mirror and said, ‘Hey—who do you want to become as a person, as a husband, and as a father?’ And I started taking the advice that my wife [was giving me] to heart.”

Gradually, Turk became more aware of the things he was struggling with.

“I feel like the NFL broke up with me via text message,” Turk said. “Like, I put so much time and effort and energy in and it just was [a shock to be dismissed so easily]. I’d seen several [of] my friends commit suicide and [I knew that] if something drastic [didn’t] change, [I] may be in that category.”

Eventually, Turk agreed to seek treatment at All Points North Lodge in Edwards, Colorado. Still, this choice didn’t come without sacrifices.

“I left two days after my daughter’s birthday and wanted to stay for 30 days, [though] I wound up staying for 60,” Turk said. “I missed my daughter’s first day of school just by being here, so it was extremely difficult. However, sometimes you have to go through that difficult time to really become who you need to be for those people. [Even though] I will never get that moment back … understanding how to be the best father … can last for as long as God has me on this earth. Personally, I’d rather lose that moment in time to be able to get so much more.”

From Hesitant to Humbled

Even though Turk agreed to go to treatment, he struggled to be open to the process at first.

“I had so much anxiety [and] fear,” Turk said. “I really didn’t want to open up [or] make any friends. [I thought], I’m only here to shut my wife up … All I gotta do is just pray a little bit and read some scriptures [and] I’ll be fine … But once we got in that first group and I saw someone that looks like me and played [who was] being vulnerable and open it [was] like, Oh. And then you hear your peers start telling stories and you’re like, Well okay. Well let me open up as well.”

Even though Turk didn’t come to APN to make friends, he certainly left with more than he bargained for.

“I [wound] up creating brotherhoods … just by having [gone] through what we went through,” Turk said. “The only thing that felt close to that was training camp when you know you’re going through adversity and pain and suffering [together]. When you’re going through all that, you build that camaraderie with a person. When we’re extremely emotional, vulnerable, [and] open … we wind up building something [truly meaningful].”

Turk shared what an emotional rollercoaster the entire APN process was for him.

“I mean this is something that’s quite difficult,” Turk said. “When I first came here I thought it was going to be one way … but after the my first day or two I’m like, Okay. I’m tired of crying now … But to be honest it was amazing for me being able to unpack around my peers – around people that I played with – [and] hearing different journeys so I can relate [and] feel like I’m not alone.”

Learning the Strength in Vulnerability

Part of what was so difficult for Turk at first was learning that there is strength in vulnerability.

“Being an athlete, we’re so accustomed to being un-vulnerable,” Turk said. “We have to be so strong. We have to be so mentally tough. And to be a professional when you come here is a total opposite. It’s—you have to be vulnerable. You have to open up. You have to be caring. You have to be loving, to understand who you really are, so you can become who you need to be.”

While this shift didn’t happen right away for Turk, he slowly began to learn that APN was a safe place for him to be himself.

“Day one I was extremely isolated,” Turk said. “[Two weeks in, I] slowly start[ed] eating with people … having one-on-ones with people and start[ed] building … Being vulnerable in this new situation—it was funny. But, also at the same time, it was great.”

When Turk wasn’t sure how to access this new skill of showing vulnerability, the professionals at APN led the way.

“Lara, [an APN therapist], introduced our group to this thing called a trauma egg,” Turk said. “From that point on, the first trauma egg story that I heard, it was like, This is my brother right here … Ever since then, I was able to be extremely vulnerable. [Now, post treatment, we have] a group text message where every day we’re just sending each other devotionals—just giving one another encouraging, motivational words … we’re still as close as we were when we [were] here.”

Even though Turk now has lasting friendships that were forged from vulnerability, it took time for him to shift from his previous NFL-mindset.

“When I came here and I saw the other former NFL players, it was a sense of comfort but also a sense of anxiety. Because, hey, I may have to be vulnerable in front of these guys where [in the past], I broke a forearm in [a] football game, [put] a piece of tape on it, pop[ped] two Tylenol, [and] finished the game with four more tackles. So it’s all about how tough you are … Coming here, it was the total opposite.”

The APN Mission

It’s not every day that a bunch of former NFL players get together in such a vulnerable, transformative way. However, there’s something unique about the APN program that truly sets it apart from other treatment options available today.

“I had a great relationship with everyone [at APN],” Turk said. “When it was time for me to leave it felt like I was leaving friends that I knew for a very long time and it was [hard]. I learned so much from everyone that was here from the upper management [to] the ladies that [were] just helping with the laundry. Everyone here, it seems like they had a mission or [that the] APN mission was embedded in them. So it was enlightening for me to see so many people caring because that’s a world that I’m not accustomed to … People start[ed] caring about Turk when I started playing football … so people caring for your well-being and your safety and your wellness—it was left field to me … What they’re doing [at APN] is not an occupation. It’s not a job. It’s not a career. It’s a calling. You know God had to put something on their heart for them to [give] that serving.”

As Turk began to realize just how much the APN team was invested in him, he also had to learn how to shift his mindset around transactional behavior.

“One of the things that I am learning to get over or reprogram myself [about is] that life is not transactional,” Turk said. “Coming here is like, Okay. They’re doing all this. They’re taking out time to help me. What the hell do they want from me? And it’s like, they don’t want anything. So they helped me in more than one way.”

Applying Football Principles to the Healing Journey

Even though some of what Turk learned in the NFL was counter to what he was learning at APN, there were other ways he learned to apply his professional athletic psyche to his healing approach.

“One of the main things that I kind of looked at that was in my football career [was] I always did the things I didn’t want to do,” Turk said. “I didn’t want to come [to APN] at all. I didn’t want to be vulnerable. I didn’t want to open up. I didn’t want to unpack what was packed up for years or even decades. So me not wanting to come here was really a sign for me that I really needed to be here.”

Just like with previous adversities that Turk had faced in his professional career, he applied the same gritty can-do attitude to everything he did at APN.

“I feel as though being an athlete helps a little in this particular journey,” Turk said. “Having to overcome adversity. Having to do things you’re unaccustomed to doing. Or having to do things to become better … I just take the journey of football and translate into this. If you’re not getting better, then you’re getting worse. So every day I’m taking the proper steps for me to get better in something. It may be communication. It may be love. It may be how to accept love. It may just be having patience. Every day I just try to get better.”

Doing this work day in and day out is certainly not easy. However, Turk highlights why the work is worth it.

“Sometimes you have to punt the ball. Sometimes it’s a turnover. Sometimes some things happen, but you have to understand with that there’s an adversity. And with that adversity, you can build strength … You have to make certain sacrifices and … those sacrifices [will] hurt in [the] moment, but it helps you out on the back end.”

The Journey Continues

Today, Turk understands that his journey continues.

“[I’m] taking one step at a time, just trying to become the best version of me as possible,” Turk said. “I may not be who I want to be at this moment, but I can see it. So as long as I … see it, then I can always work to it … taking one step at a time … [APN] gave me a start[ing] point. Like, Okay. This is the data that we collected thus far and I guess we need to go in this direction [now].”

While the “data” and the measurement of progress is important, Turk also understands that there’s a greater picture that includes ongoing setbacks, trials, and tribulations.

“Sometimes you don’t have a good day. Sometimes you don’t have a good week. Sometimes you don’t have a good month. But it’s still that understanding [that this] is [a] journey. Sometimes I have to go take a detour, but I still need to get back to the destination.”

Because the healing journey is long, Turk has recognized the importance of acknowledging small wins along the way.

“What I learned here [is] you have to also celebrate the small victories,” Turk said. “You just can’t celebrate a huge accomplishment. You have to, you know, enjoy the journey.”

Reframing Expectations

Part of learning how to enjoy the journey involves reframing expectations.

“You just have to really have the proper expectations for [yourself],” Turk said. “[At first], I didn’t have the proper expectations. [I’d say], ‘Okay. I’m gonna come here. I’m going to be here for 30 days. And I’m gonna be better.’ Realistically, [that’s not] having the proper expectations.”

Now, Turk just expects himself to show up while trying to detach from the outcomes.

“I feel like you get promoted [in this journey], but you never graduate,” Turk said. “No matter what, I’m not gonna give up. No matter the adversity, trials, [or] tribulations, I’m going to be relentless [in] try[ing] to be my best self.”

If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs (including our Athletes Track), submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you allow yourself to receive the gifts of healing.

More From Turk

Listen and watch the Turk’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.



Here are eight key changes to expect after getting clean from drugs and alcohol and beginning your new life of sobriety.

1. Improvement in Sobriety’s Temporary Challenges

It’s important to first recognize that getting clean isn’t easy. But as you build more tools to stay sober and find the support you need, it will become easier to maintain your sobriety.

When people first get sober, they often experience a number of mental health symptoms that are directly connected to their substance use disorder. These symptoms could include:

• Intense physical withdrawals
• Invasive drug and alcohol cravings
• Struggling with motivation
• Difficulty experiencing positive emotions
• Feeling sad, depressed, fearful, or anxious

As difficult as these experiences can be, they are inherently temporary in nature. For example, physical withdrawal typically ends within days or weeks. Cravings can last much longer, but grow less frequent and intensive with each passing day. Even mental health symptoms improve the longer you stay sober and the more time you give your brain to recover.

Remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Getting clean is just the first step, while achieving recovery is an ongoing process of improving your mental health and well-being for the rest of your life.

2. Unexpected Free Time

When people are in the midst of a substance use disorder, they often spend inordinate amounts of time seeking out their substance of choice, using that substance, and recovering from its effects. Getting clean means all of that time is now free and available, which can often lead to periods of idleness or boredom that can be triggers for returning to substance use.

In addiction treatment, most of this time is accounted for. Residential programs offer several hours of therapy and treatment each day, complemented by experiential therapies or opportunities for recreation to keep people busy, entertained, and active.

Similarly, intensive outpatient programs have several hours of treatment and services to help people focus on their recovery and see improvements in their mental health. This could include individual therapy sessions, peer-to-peer support groups, or meetings with a psychiatrist for medication management.

Yet when people return home from treatment, they often find that they don’t know what to do with their time. This is an often overlooked aspect of the recovery process, as boredom can lead to cravings and restlessness that make maintaining your sobriety more of a challenge than it needs to be.

Finding ways to fill this empty time is of paramount importance for staying sober. There is an abundance of healthy ways people can keep themselves occupied, including:

• Starting an exercise routine
• Going to self-help support groups
• Taking up a new hobby
• Socializing with friends and family members
• Enrolling in school

If you’ve started your recovery in an addiction treatment program, continuing the routines that you started in treatment can be a great way to stave off boredom or idleness as well.

3. Changing Social Circles

Humans are inherently social creatures, and your social circle can have a substantial impact on how easy or difficult it is to maintain your sobriety. While many people enter treatment with the notion of keeping the same circle of friends that they had when they were in active addiction, that often isn’t the most conducive approach to long-term sobriety.

This isn’t to say that you need to isolate yourself from friends and family members entirely, but it’s important to develop a strong social support network for recovery. This means spending time with people who understand the challenges of getting and staying sober, who can support you when you face challenges, and who encourage living a sober lifestyle.

Creating this new social circle isn’t always easy. However, there are a few simple tips that can help you develop a supportive recovery network:

• Attending self-help support groups
• Keeping in contact with friends you made in treatment
• Identifying friends or family members who support you in your recovery
• Meeting people at sober events

Developing just a few close social connections with other people in recovery can be an incredible resource for staying sober and make getting clean and staying clean much easier.

4. Pushback From Friends or Family Members

Many of your friends or family members may not understand recovery or the work it takes to stay sober. Addiction is a complex issue, but there are still pervasive beliefs and stigma that lead people to believe it’s just a matter of willpower, that addiction is a choice, or that addiction is only temporary.

As a result, it is common for people who have just graduated from addiction treatment to hear friends and family members make comments such as:

• “So you don’t have an addiction problem anymore, right?”
• “You were addicted to painkillers, so having one drink shouldn’t hurt.”
• “Can’t you smoke marijuana and still stay clean?”
• “Do you still have to go to those meetings?”

All of these comments can be triggering for substance use and may cause you to doubt your convictions for recovery. Of course, changing the behaviors of others is often an impossibility, but there are a few things you can do to prepare yourself ahead of time.

First, recognize that these types of pushback can happen. When you understand that you may face these types of questions or pressures from loved ones, you can prepare yourself ahead of time for how to deal with them.

Second, make a plan for how to answer these questions and deal with any triggers or cravings they may bring up. This could include setting boundaries with friends and loved ones about your recovery, or having a supportive friend or family member with you in situations where you think this may happen.

Like so many aspects of recovery, this type of pushback is often the most difficult to deal with in early recovery. When you get more sobriety time under your belt and become more confident in your recovery, this pushback can begin to affect you less and less.

5. Changes in Appearance

Addictive substances can have a number of negative effects on your physical appearance. While each substance affects your appearance differently, it’s common for people who are getting clean to start seeing improvements in their physical appearance, such as:

• Clearer skin and complexion
• Brighter eyes
• Stronger and healthier hair
• Weight stabilization
• Improved dental health
• Reduced puffiness and bloating

Some of these improvements in physical appearance can happen almost immediately, while others will continue to improve as you accumulate more time sober.

6. Better Physical Health

Drugs and alcohol of all types can have devastating effects on your physical health. Frequent health challenges that people face during addiction include:

• Liver disease
• Accidental injury
• Skin sores
• Respiratory problems
• Digestive problems
• Muscle loss

Getting clean helps stop the damage you’re doing to your body from substance use, as well as start you on the path to long-term physical recovery.

These improvements in physical health can be further enhanced by starting a regular exercise routine, which is one of the best lifestyle changes you can make during your recovery. Exercise can help you improve your physical health, help manage cravings, and provide you with an outlet for restless energy that keeps you moving toward your recovery goals.

7. New Ways of Coping

One of the most common challenges for people new to recovery is not having effective coping mechanisms for everyday challenges. The simple fact for many people is that they’ve used substances to cope with their problems for years and have let more natural and healthy coping skills slip by the wayside.

Going to addiction treatment or working with an in-person or virtual therapist can help you learn new and healthier ways of coping. Yet putting these skills into practice is the true test of improving your mental health — and after getting clean, you’ll need to learn and implement these coping mechanisms to build a lasting and stable recovery.

When learning new ways of coping, think about what the major challenges in your life are, as well as the healthy ways you can manage them. If you struggle with interpersonal conflict, learning healthier communication skills might be your best coping strategy. If you struggle with anxiety, learning grounding techniques or mindfulness can help you to rein in your symptoms.

This isn’t just a matter of staying sober. Learning these new coping styles is a skill for ensuring you live a healthy, productive, and less stressful life, which can make maintaining your recovery much easier.

8. Positive Mental Health Outcomes

Substance use disorders and mental health challenges often go hand in hand. It’s common for people new to recovery to experience co-occurring mental health conditions such as:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Post-traumatic stress disorder
• Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder
• Bipolar disorder

In many such cases, these mental health conditions are actually caused by substance use itself. Mental health professionals label this as a substance-induced mental illness, which typically improves dramatically once people have achieved stable sobriety and recovery.

For others, sobriety alone isn’t enough to recover from a mental health condition. Ideally, people who are seeking treatment find dual-diagnosis treatment options, which can treat both mental health disorders and substance use disorders simultaneously.

Alternatively, there are those in recovery who do not have a diagnosable mental health condition but still have mental health struggles. These struggles often appear when people achieve sobriety for the first time, as drugs and alcohol can mask mental health challenges while under the influence.

But if you continue putting in diligent effort toward your recovery, you can see substantial improvement in mental health outcomes. Time and time again, research has shown that people who achieve recovery experience better mood regulation, improved senses of well-being, fewer mental health symptoms, and a host of other holistic improvements.

Of course, if you’re not seeing the improvement in your mental health that you’d like, you can always sign up to meet with a trained therapist to discuss your mental health challenges. Working with a therapist can help accelerate the mental health improvements you see and keep you feeling your best in recovery.

Call APN Lodge for Sobriety Support Today

Getting clean is just the first step of the recovery process. Building a healthier and productive life in recovery is where you will find the most reward.

If you or a loved one is struggling to take these critical steps toward recovery, the team at APN Lodge can help you determine the source of your challenges, guide you toward the treatment options that best fit your needs, and support you every step of the way as you navigate the future. Contact us today by filling out our confidential contact form or calling us at 855.934.1178 to learn more.

References

• Arpin, Sarah N., et al. “Having Friends and Feeling Lonely.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2015, https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167215569722. Accessed 3 Nov. 2024.
• Canver BR, Newman RK, Gomez AE. Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome. [Updated 2024 Feb 14]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK441882/

From a young age, Dave was exposed to alcohol by his family and friends. Unfortunately, these influences only seemed to exacerbate his underlying propensity toward addiction. Before he knew it, decades had passed and he no longer found joy or meaning in life—constantly controlled by the alcohol required to keep his body going.

After an old friend confronted him about his disease, Dave decided to seek treatment at All Points North Lodge in Edwards, Colorado. Having 71 days in the program and 14 months of sobriety on his belt at the time of filming, Dave opened up about his experience with addiction and sobriety in the APN podcast episode, Addiction Treatment Changed My Life: Recovery x Dave. To learn more about his story, check out the full podcast episode or continue reading the article below.

Born and Raised on the Bottle

Dave wasn’t the only person in his family who struggled with addiction.

“I come from a family that was heavily engaged in alcohol,” Dave said. “I had some childhood trauma and a lot of things that led up to getting to where I was.”

At first, Dave tried to brush off the peer pressure. But eventually, it wore him down.

“I kind of held off from the peer pressure and stuff for quite a while,” Dave said. “I mean, I didn’t start drinking until I was about 12. Then, I kind of went through the high school story—you know, drank some and did some other things. During sports I didn’t do it. [But then in] college [I] kind of picked it back up [and this carried] through to my adult life.”

Eventually, drinking became a way of life for Dave.

Using Alcohol and Drugs as an Escape

Not only was drinking a way of life, but it was also a way to escape.

“I really struggled with anxiety from the childhood stuff and I used the alcohol as an escape,” Dave said. “Ultimately, I ended up on heavy medication and heavy alcohol … Then, [my] body [became] accustomed to that method of treatment … and unfortunately it [became] a way of life.”

Like many others who struggle with addiction, Dave found ways to make excuses for his behavior.

“I was still successful in [my] career, still had a family, didn’t have all the true rock bottoms, but the drinking continued and got heavier,” Dave said. “Then the last few years it was full on alcohol. I was drinking every day. Sometimes it was the first thing I did. Sometimes it was the only thing I drank during the entire day. Sometimes it was several days [where] the only thing I had was alcohol.”

Dave opens up about what it’s like to go from having an unhealthy relationship with alcohol to watching it progress into something worse.

“You kind of lose sight of you,” Dave said. “You lose the ability to really control [anything]. It becomes that obsession and that … craving … You react mentally once you get that first taste and it’s so soothing—you just don’t want to leave that feeling. You keep going and going, even though you’re making bad decisions, and you know you’re making bad decisions … with this disease, you will continue doing it and making those decisions [until] you surrender to it.”

The Intervention Dave Needed

What started out as another opportunity to drink later turned into something Dave didn’t expect.

“I went to a fraternity event. It was my buddy’s anniversary party [and] I was in his wedding,” Dave said. “I hadn’t seen a lot of guys in years … There were kegs. There was Jungle Juice. You know, there was plenty of drinking and partying going on. But I was the only guy sitting by the cooler drinking the whole time while everybody else was [socializing] … I sat there and at some point I just decided I was going to bed and I went and got in a tent that wasn’t even mine.”

Dave needed something to change. Luckily for him, there was a special person in his life who helped him see the depths of his disease, inspiring him to seek treatment.

“The next day one of my [friends] called me and said, ‘Hey, I’m really concerned about you … I’ll come and get you right now and take you to treatment, but if you don’t want to go then I’ll be willing to read the five-side burial ritual at your funeral because that’s where you’re going to be.’ And that moment hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like lightning [struck]. I mean, it chilled me to my bone. I hung up and … started making phone calls [to go] to treatment. Two days later is when I arrived in Colorado.”

Coming to Treatment for the First Time

Even though Dave had been dealing with his disease for decades, coming to All Points North was his first time in a treatment program.

“At the end, I was just so tired of drinking,” Dave said. “It was no longer fun. It was just something I did out of necessity. So when I got [to APN] I was happy that I had a solution that might work. I had no idea what I was getting into, of course.”

Upon arriving, many of Dave’s anxieties were put to rest.

“When I walked in the doors, I had [this] first reaction of, wow—this place is incredible,” Dave said. “[Still, it was probably] two or three weeks before I … really truly let my guard down. [I had to] accept and get honest with myself that, Hey—you have a serious problem both mentally and physically … I was not in the best physical shape when I walked in this door. I was 80 pounds heavier and on a fistful of medications. [Now, I’m] not on any of that thanks to this place.”

Life-Changing Staff at APN

Part of what worked so well for Dave was the impact the APN staff had on his healing journey.

“My first meeting was with Dustin, [an APN therapist],” Dave said. “He was absolutely perfect for me—instrumental, really. I’m forever grateful to him for what he was able to get me through and get me to see and how and his guidance [got] me through the steps [and] the pieces of the process.”

At APN, Dave was able to dive into the issues driving his addiction that he previously left unaddressed for years.

“[Dustin] challenged me to overcome some of my fears, to be able to forgive, and to process some of my inner demons … I can remember [one time when] he asked me how I was doing and I sat down and kind of gave him what I thought … was a very good answer. It was a script. You know? … He just sat there and looked at me and goes, ‘I don’t even know who you are when you say stuff like that. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about you and what you’re really going through? Quit being a therapist and tell me about what’s going on inside you.’ … I hated it at the time, but now [I realize it was all] systematic and [that] those things were done for a reason.”

Life is Still Fun Sober

One of Dave’s biggest concerns about getting sober was how it might have impacted his personal life. However, he came to find that the outcome was far different from what he initially expected.

“You know all the things that [people say] when you’re in active addiction and all the fears that you have about how life can be fun at all on the other side [really affected me],” Dave said. “I thought—what am I going to do? [But] I’ll tell you firsthand – at least from my experience – that life is a hundred thousand times better [sober]. It’s way more fun. The people that are your true friends are still there. The people that were just around for the party [are gone and] that’s okay.”

Today, Dave lives a very different life from before, a better life than he even imagined.

“[Before], everything that I like[d] to do in life was taken away by this disease,” Dave said. “Now, I’m totally different … I eat extremely clean. Mentally, I’m totally different because … I’m more engaged with my family. I’m more engaged with my kids. I go on vacations. I’m willing to try new things that I would never have tried before. [Previously], I was completely shut down and now I’m completely open and eager to try new things and truly live a sober life.”

Reflections to Share

Now that Dave has healed from his addiction, he has some things he’d like to share with others who may be facing similar situations.

“Whether you’re an alcoholic or an addict or whatever—life isn’t always skipping through fields of daisies,” Dave said. “There’s difficult times, no matter. But it’s how you approach that and I think that being in recovery and … being self-aware prepares you to be able to handle those challenges without going back to the old ways of flying off the handle.”

For Dave, APN provided him with the space and skills he needed to do that.

“I’m extremely grateful for some of the people that I had an opportunity to work,” Dave said. “APN and its staff is what changed my life. I’m a totally different person mentally and physically and I owe it all to this place.”

If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you allow yourself to receive the gifts of sobriety.

More From Dave

Listen and watch the Dave’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.



After experiencing traumatic sexual assault in 2018, Tiffany’s life turned upside down. While seemingly fine on the outside looking in, Tiffany was fighting an internal battle that would later culminate in addiction and an inability to cope.

When Tiffany came to the All Points North (APN) Lodge in 2022, she knew things needed to change. Just eight months later, she opened up about her process of recovery and transformation in the APN podcast episode, Learning to Trust Myself After Trauma: Recovery x Tiffany. To learn more about Tiffany’s healing journey, check out the podcast or continue reading the article below.

The Post Traumatic Stress of Sexual Assault

As Tiffany opens up about the lasting effects of her sexual trauma, it’s apparent just how life-changing this type of event can be.

“I came here for PTSD and anxiety and depression,” Tiffany said. “I had just gotten to a place in my life where I was desperate for change—desperate for freedom. I was chasing my worth in all the wrong directions – didn’t know how to cope with life anymore on my own – and I was just desperate.”

While it had been four years since this scarring incident, Tiffany’s attention was brought back to the assault when an investigation surfaced years later.

“I kind of put it aside and then 2020 came around,” Tiffany said. “I got a call from a reporter and investigator and found out I was one of at least 10 victims to this person. [Suddenly], I was involved in this big case … so it brought all these PTSD symptoms to light and things I had been pushing down for years.”

At this point, Tiffany started seeing a therapist. But when that wasn’t providing any relief for her debilitating symptoms, she turned to alcohol and drugs as a coping mechanism.

“I just couldn’t cope on my own anymore,” Tiffany said. “So I was drinking. I was using Benzos … I just couldn’t figure out how I was gonna survive any longer … I had a trip planned to Hawaii … and I was like, I need help now. I gotta go now. So I canceled all my flights and came to APN. [It] took a handful of Atavan to get me [here] on my first day.”

When Tiffany finally made the decision to seek treatment, it took some people in her life by surprise.

“Externally, most people didn’t know [I was suffering],” Tiffany said. “When I called my boss and said, ‘Hey, I’m taking off work. I’m going to treatment for PTSD.’ It was like, ‘Wait. What?’ You know … no one really knew. I had mastered that. But I knew I needed it for sure.”

Seeking Treatment at APN

When Tiffany decided to take that leap of faith to seek treatment, she took her time in trying to find the right place.

“It was days of Googling,” Tiffany said. “I came across APN’s website… and I was like, Wow. This place sounds like it’s really scientifically-based, and I wanted [that]. [Also], it had a gym. That was a big thing. And a place where I felt like I could explore my spirituality without it being forced or controlled. So that’s why I chose APN.”

While coming to APN wasn’t easy, Tiffany began settling into the welcoming atmosphere.

“The first few weeks were rough,” Tiffany said. “You’re coming in, you’re stabilizing, you don’t have your substance or really any escape. The only escape I had (luckily) was the gym and I spent a lot of time in there. But the first three weeks are rough. [Still], there’s a great group of people here who want to help you and be on your side.”

Soon, Tiffany’s fears about being in a restrictive environment were dissipated.

“I was like, I’m not gonna be able to get a pedicure or my nails done the entire time I’m there. I’m gonna come out looking like a rag,” Tiffany said. “But, no. We get to do those things … they’re monitored, but you still get to live. So that was helpful. [Also], we did horseback riding and things like that. Being able to take advantage of those opportunities made me feel more like a human.”

When you’re doing difficult healing work, it’s important to take breaks—something that APN understands and implements throughout their holistic approach.

“[We would] get those necessary breaks from processing because it’s hard work,” Tiffany said. “It’s like 24 hours a day you’re processing and you’re doing assignments and you’re talking about your trauma and you’re thinking about it again and again. So yeah, having those breaks really helped.”

A Plethora of Therapies That Actually Work

Part of what makes recovery at APN so successful is the innovative and comprehensive treatment plans they implement. In particular, Tiffany shared about the different modalities that worked well for her.

“I got paired with a counselor [and] it felt like we were match made in heaven,” Tiffany said. “She knew how to read right through me. She called me out. She knew when I was paying attention and when I was blocking everything out. She knew when I was in another world before I knew … It’s weird. I sometimes still hear her voice [when I’m] journaling … She is straight and direct and that’s what I needed.”

In addition, Tiffany highlighted how much the other offerings at APN helped her.

“The really cool thing about APN is it offers you all of these treatment modalities,” Tiffany said. “You have the spiritual aspect if you want to engage that, you have the TMS, the hyperbaric oxygen chamber, massage—you have all these different avenues to add into your treatment which was really cool for me.”

During her stay at the Lodge, Tiffany took advantage of trying out new therapies.

“I did TMS which I felt significantly helped with my anxiety and sleep issues [as well as my] hyper vigilance that came with the PTSD.”

Additionally, she got a lot out of her classes and process groups.

“The classes are great,” Tiffany said. “I feel like they were adequate in providing me the skills I needed to be successful after I left here. [Also], I still talk to some of the people from my process group … you build this bond that you don’t expect.”

Regaining Power Through Sobriety

Another thing Tiffany didn’t quite expect was to choose to live a sober life after leaving APN.

“I came here thinking, I just have this PTSD and I need to fix that and move on,” Tiffany said. “I never thought, I’m gonna leave here and not drink again … I remember my therapist, Katie, had asked me, ‘Why are we still circling this?’ … That’s when it kind of hit home for me clearly … it just got to the point where, I mean, I could try it again. Sure. But what good does it do for me?”

The more she reflected on this decision, the more she realized she was just using her trauma as a scapegoat for her alcohol and substance abuse issues.

“I remember one day … I was writing down this list [of all] the bad things that I’ve done while drinking,” Tiffany said. “And I was like, Oh my goodness. If somebody gave me this list, I would tell them to never drink again. So it was a pretty easy decision from that moment on. Before that, I was thinking, I’ve got this case of Quintessa wine I gotta go finish and then I’ll reassess that. But then I was like, Oh. That’s my friend lying to me again.”

With unexpected decisions came unexpected rewards.

“This journey of sobriety has been a great way to regain power in my life in a way that I didn’t expect.”

Exploring EMDR Post Treatment Through APN Aftercare & Telehealth Services

While Tiffany explored a lot of new therapies during her stay at APN, there were others she didn’t have the opportunity to try. However, she was later able to pursue them through outpatient programs with APN. In particular, Tiffany opened up about the impact that EMDR had on her aftercare treatment.

“I’m working with Amy Davies [in my telehealth groups] and it has been phenomenal,” Tiffany said. We’re doing EMDR so that’s been something that has been really beneficial for me.”

Tiffany goes on to further illuminate her experience with EMDR.

“[EMDR] can be used for a variety of things but I’m using it mainly for trauma,” Tiffany said. “First, you have a safe place in your head … You need to be able to access this place whenever you get too overwhelmed. [Then], what my therapist does is she will bring up a traumatic [incident] … The entire time we’re getting my brain activated in that area I’m tapping … or watch[ing] a ball go across the screen [which] activates [certain] parts of your brain. [Through this process], I’m able to really pull out these memories and weird details from these traumatizing [experiences] … so it’s really good for processing.”

With her EMDR sessions, Tiffany’s been able to continue her healing journey beyond her initial residential stay with APN.

APN Gave Tiffany the Skills Needed to Succeed In Her Mental Wellness Journey

Anyone can go to treatment for their trauma, mental health, or substance abuse issues. But not everyone is able to leave with the skills needed to maintain a healthy lifestyle post inpatient care. Tiffany highlights the ways in which APN was able to help facilitate that for her.

“I feel like APN gave me the skills I needed to start my mental health journey and then I was able to go home, get back into my real world, and [continue moving forward]. I’ve done IOP [and am] still using the APN therapist … Every day, [I’m putting] the pieces together … I don’t think we ever have it [all] figured out, but I’m a million times better than I was a year ago, and I’m way better than I ever imagined.”

Now, Tiffany has the opportunity to practice many of the things she learned while in treatment.

“Just exercising my skills in my general life – whether it’s work or relationships or friendships – has been really important,” Tiffany said. “Before APN, I didn’t know how to put my needs first or how to listen to my body or my intuition. Now, I know how to do those things. I hear my intuition. I hear my body telling me what to do and what it needs and I listen to it. I can set boundaries. No, it’s not easy, but life gives you a lot of opportunities to practice setting boundaries and I keep practicing it … it’s all about finding your circle that you can feel safe and vulnerable in.”

While this continued work isn’t easy, it allows Tiffany to live a life beyond her trauma and grow into a better version of herself.

“You really have to address all areas,” Tiffany said. “It is so easy to come out of treatment and find another way to escape yourself—like trading one addiction for another … I have to constantly be aware of that. You know, I found myself signing up for too many classes … and I was like, Oh, no Tiffany. That’s an old Tiffany pattern. We don’t do that anymore. I mean, life’s not a race and your mental health is important so making time for it is what helps you be successful.”

Today, Tiffany has a completely different outlook than the one she had before coming to APN.

“I have made a lot of progress and I owe it all to APN providing me the place to do it,” Tiffany said. “Just comparing where I was a year ago versus now [is like] night and day.”

If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction and mental health recovery programs, fill out our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you make time for the things that matter most.

More From Tiffany

Listen and watch Tiffany’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.

Having grown up in a strict Orthodox community, Jason felt the pressure to conform to the version of himself he believed God would accept and love. At the same time, he was grappling with trauma he had yet to fully understand. When Jason found himself unable to accomplish the impossible task of measuring up to the expectations of his religion, he turned to drugs and alcohol to cope.

After many years of “functional” addiction, Jason finally reached a breaking point that led him to healing at the All Points North Lodge. To learn more about Jason’s unique religious trauma, addiction, and recovery journey, check out the full APN podcast episode, Finding Myself After Religious Trauma: Recovery x Jason, or continue reading the article below.

Growing Up Orthodox

For Jason, being raised Jewish Orthodox came with some challenges he didn’t discover until later in life.

“My family’s Orthodox, so addiction wasn’t really talked about … at least where I grew up,” Jason said. “People that were suffering with addiction just kind of swept it under the rug, so I had a run of 5/6 years where I just didn’t understand that I was addicted to drugs.”

Addiction wasn’t the only thing that Jason remained unaware of.

“I went through an immense amount of trauma in my childhood and I didn’t even know,” Jason said. “I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.”

These unresolved traumas and emotions only seemed to further fuel Jason’s desire to use.

“The environment itself just contributed to me feeling completely unworthy of anything because it’s all conditional worthiness. You know?” Jason said. “I know that’s not the actual context of the religion but it’s taken out of proportion … I would suffer silently back then because I didn’t trust anyone.”

It was only later when Jason sought treatment that he would finally understand the issues he’d been facing.

“I learned so much [at APN] about what my trauma was—from the endless amount of religious trauma [to] family trauma, sexual trauma, [and more],” Jason said. “All these things were just sitting there. They had nowhere to go, and I was thinking, Hey, the pill will do the job. The pills will do the job for me today. And it just did.”

The Breaking Point

The pills did their job until they didn’t.

“At a certain point when Covid hit … it was getting bad,” Jason said. “Every few weeks I was ending up in the hospital because [of] withdrawals, [but] again, I didn’t even know. Like meetings, I didn’t know [about]. Treatment. I didn’t know any of it. [But] I was at a point where I needed help big time.”

Things continued to escalate for Jason.

“[During] Passover, we were … sitting down and I had this moment of [thinking], I need to stop or I’m going to die,” Jason said. “I was just physically nothing. Like, there was nothing there. Emotionally, [there was] nothing either. And I had this moment of [knowing I needed help].”

Fortunately, Jason decided to act on his inkling.

“My brother was like, ‘Hey, I have a friend who’s in recovery. Talk to him. See what he thinks.’ And he connected me with [him],” Jason said. “That was the first time in my life that I ever had a conversation with someone that literally was able to paint out my entire past because he also grew up Orthodox. But besides that – just from the addiction standpoint – to understand I’m not crazy, [that] the obsession and the crazy things we do is kind of normal. Like, look at what you went through. Look at the trauma that’s there. And I was like, ‘What’s trauma?’ … So he connected me [with APN and] I got here pretty quick after that.”

A Moment of Panic and the Relief of Hope

Luckily for Jason, everyone in his family, including his spouse, was extremely supportive of his decision to seek treatment. Still, he almost didn’t make it to the treatment facility because he was so scared.

“So I got on a flight to come here and I land in Denver. I get off the plane and I’m like, Fuck no. I’m not doing this. And I literally booked the flight back,” Jason said. “I think it was the same day [and] I sat in the terminal for like three hours … I spoke with some family members [who helped talk me into] driving up here … I didn’t know what to expect … I initially always thought that [rehab] was for people on, you know, needles and stuff like that, [so] I was bugging out.”

When Jason finally made it to the lodge, his fears began to dissipate as they were, instead, replaced with hope.

“[So they] take me to the room because it was during Covid, so we had [to] quarantine for seven days,” Jason said. “I was losing my shit. I was crying. I was like, ‘I’m getting out of here.’ And the nurse, Michelle, just came in and calmed me down. She’s awesome. I’m super grateful for her because I wouldn’t have stayed if not for her. It was just a calming [sense like] you’re gonna be okay. And that’s when it kind of started for me. It was this underlying feeling of, Hey, I have hope … whatever this is, let’s figure it out.”

Before long, Jason would realize there were many other reasons to feel hope in this new environment.

“It was really nice to see other Orthodox people [at APN] because there was automatically something to relate to,” Jason said. “I think the first week and just sharing and being like, I don’t have to suffer this anymore, and not getting responses from people like, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ and having everyone relate to it—that was something super healing.”

Unmasking the Emotions & Learning His Own Story

As Jason continued to immerse himself in the healing process, he learned a lot about his emotions and his story.

“My first project was the mask, and I was like, Oh, I’m hiding a lot here,” Jason said. “On the outside you were supposed to show what you try to portray to people and mine was just this shield. I didn’t let anyone in … I was operating completely off trauma and survival mode all the time. [It was] a big process for me to get vulnerable and share my story … because I didn’t know it.”

Having literally no experience with this type of healing work, Jason found the guidance he was given at APN to be exactly what he needed to start on the road to restoration.

“As a client, you may [not] really know where to look and what to start,” Jason said. “[But they] kind of chop [things] down one by one and they guided me perfectly. It was amazing. The group was run so well.”

Not only did Jason previously not know what trauma was, but he also didn’t know what true healing felt like. After coming to APN, that was all going to change.

“I remember doing [the trauma egg assignment] and feeling super vulnerable,” Jason said. “It was obviously a lot of tears because it’s the first time you’re talking about this stuff—stuff that we just bury until you’re starting to think about it like, Holy shit. That happened. So when the group was ending, Mark and Arlene … told everyone to get behind me. I was standing in the front [with] everybody behind me and they wanted everyone to scream because everyone was so angry about a lot of injustice. I literally felt people’s energy just go through me and it was one of those moments where you’re not alone. It was probably one of the most memorable moments that I had here because it was the first time where people really justified [that] this was wrong … and it was just a beautiful moment.”

Developing Healthier Relationships & Learning How to Set Boundaries

Not only did Jason learn about trauma healing at the All Points North Lodge while in treatment for addiction recovery, but he also learned how to have healthier relationships and boundaries.

“I was coming from a place where my relationships were just with either people who wanted drugs from me or people that were enabling me to do this stuff,” Jason said. “It was never really deep relationships. Having those relationships [at APN] – and I still have them today – were by far what kept me going.”

Today, Jason still speaks to many of the people he met during treatment on a daily basis. Some of them have even become like family.

“I had [an APN friend] fly in [here] when we had a baby and he’s like family,” Jason said. “He’s been there for me and my wife in ways that [are] very hard to describe.”

As Jason began to forge healthier bonds, he also learned how to set boundaries in other relationships that were potentially harmful to him.

“I think one thing that was very apparent when I was here was that boundaries need to be set with certain people,” Jason said. “If people you’re setting boundaries with don’t respect them and kick them down and do all those things, that puts you in danger to go back to where you were. And that’s not blaming those people … I’m a big believer that nobody can make me pick up drugs, but there’s certainly things that can bring me closer.”

While setting boundaries isn’t something that other people always understand, Jason learned that it was paramount for his recovery.

“We have to put our recovery first,” Jason said. “I think people sometimes get confused with that being selfish and it’s not selfish. Like, if I wouldn’t do it, then it’s selfish because I’d be dead. I’d be dead, and then what happens to my wife and my kids?”

As Jason began saying goodbye to relationships that no longer served him, he was also greeted with new ones that were in alignment with his healing journey.

“One thing I did when I left here with the people that I got closest to was a daily check-in going on a year and a half,” Jason said. “We would call each other every morning, do a reading, and share on it. That kind of set up my day … because at the end of the day, you can go to treatment and you can do all the work, but if you decide to not continue that process, you’re going to be back.”

Speaking On Religious Guilt and Trauma

Because religious trauma was such a huge part of Jason’s story, he opened up about what unveiling these realities has been like for him.

“There’s so much religious guilt that goes into getting healthy,” Jason said. “For people that have come from religious backgrounds, [it can be difficult] because a lot of it is all or nothing. Some families are definitely more accepting than others and some aren’t. Some families will be like, ‘It’s us or religion. Pick.’”

Jason reflected on how his religious trauma affected the way he viewed himself and how he’s healing this wound.

“There’s real feelings of unworthiness because [we grew up believing] God’s [love was] conditional,” Jason said. “It is to hard to have a spiritual life if you don’t have a clear understanding that God doesn’t hate you if you eat bacon today. He doesn’t hate you if you put your finger on a girl’s hand. Like, you’re okay.”

Now, Jason uses his experiences to help others who may have undergone similar traumas.

“Being [at APN] and finally seeing that I’m not crazy and I’m not alone [has been so healing],” Jason said. “I am an advocate – big time – within the Jewish Community about helping people … I’m in a bunch of recovery groups in Florida that are Jewish-run and most of us have the same shit and it’s kind of scary. But at the same time, we could make a big difference by speaking up about it.”

Jason doesn’t just speak up about these issues in recovery groups. He also spreads awareness to local youth in his area.

“I went to a high school once in Florida. They asked me to speak there about addiction, and this school was for kids that weren’t fitting into that classic Orthodox system,” Jason said. “[With] probably 40 kids in the room I said, ‘You guys are all worthy simply because you’re human.’ And I could literally see people’s eyes open and a little bit of a head lift because they’re not taught that. It’s not unconditional love, [so] you don’t feel good about yourself a lot of the time.”

Just because Jason experienced religious trauma throughout his life does not mean he no longer has a connection to his faith.

“Today, I don’t consider myself Orthodox. I don’t consider myself anything,” Jason said. “But I’m Jewish, and I’m proud of that. And I want my connection to be with God to be genuine … it took me a couple years being in recovery to finally be at a place where I can have a conversation with God.”

Now, Jason uses what he’s learned to pave a brighter example for his children.

“We raise our kids and we do it in a way of understanding that love and God are not conditional upon anything except for you being a human, and if anyone else tells you differently … bye,” Jason said. “You know, that’s what we’ve had to do because it’s so powerful to get back into that kind of mindset. So we literally have that mentality and it’s a journey, for sure. It certainly is hard when you live in a Jewish community … most people in the Orthodox community don’t have tattoos [like me]. But, hey, I’m different and if you don’t like it, cool.”

It’s a Journey, Not a Destination

As Jason highlighted, overcoming his religious trauma along with his addiction recovery has been nothing short of a journey.

“If someone comes [to APN] and you put in your all and you continue that, when you leave it changes your life,” Jason said. “You got to keep the work up … it’s not an easy road. It’s just a start, but you got to continue it.”

After many years of having his issues “swept under the rug,” Jason is now honest with himself about where he’s at and the struggles he continues to face.

“There are certain things that are really difficult within addiction,” Jason said. “Thankfully, the cravings for the drugs are very light because I constantly work on that. But it’s the other stuff. You know? It’s this selfishness and the self-centered behavior—all that stuff: the shame and the guilt. It’s hard. But that’s why you have support and you have people around you … you still struggle when you get back and it’s not always pretty.”

Even though it’s not always pretty, it’s worth it, and Jason is living proof of that.

If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you allow yourself to receive the gifts of sobriety and healing.

More From Jason

Listen and watch the Jason’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.

Elliott had been sober for nearly ten years when he decided to come to APN for long-term recovery treatment. While he had taken away the drugs and alcohol from his life – and even worked in an addiction treatment center – Elliott had yet to face the trauma of his past, resulting in mental and emotional burnout.

After staying at APN two separate times (all while remaining sober before, in between, and after admission), Elliott is finally able to reap the rewards of his hard work. On his APN podcast episode, My Addictions Were a Symptom of Trauma: Recovery x Elliott, Elliott opens up about his personal healing journey along with some life lessons he’d like to share with others. Find out more, by reading the article below or checking out the full podcast on our Youtube channel.

A Recovery Professional From a Family of Addicts

Elliott certainly didn’t get an easy start to life.

“I grew up in a family where both my parents were addicts,” Elliott said. “My mom died of an overdose when I was 20. My dad died [from an overdose as well] about two years before me coming to APN … so my childhood was very chaotic … Every kind of child-related trauma you could have is a part of my story. [Then, when I was 26, I got sober]. I just kind of hit the ground running trying to take care of me and change.”

For most people, getting sober comes with a lot of love, support, and gratitude from their family and friends. However, this was not the case for Elliott.

“My family wasn’t trying to get better,” Elliott said. “At the time, I was actually kind of the black sheep for being in recovery.”

With no one to look to for guidance, Elliott decided to forge his own path. Recovery became such a big part of his journey that he started working as a recovery professional himself.

Coming to Recovery Treatment Sober

Fast forward almost ten years and Elliott found himself in an impossible situation.

“Everybody knows I’m a person in long-term recovery. I’m coming up on 10 years sober in December,” Elliott said. “I [continued to have] a lot of mental health issues come up [that] I had never dealt with, [including] trauma … I had a lot of anxiety [and] panic attacks [so] I reached out for help to one of the original [APN] members … I was the second patient [at APN] ever and I didn’t know what it was going to be like. I was half ashamed of myself because I [was a person with] long-term recovery who needed to go to treatment … I didn’t know how people would look at me for that.”

Even though Elliott grappled with self-shame and blame, he still decided to take the courageous step to seek help.

“It was chaos in my head,” Elliott said. “I really wanted to be normal but [I knew I had] a lot of trauma. That’s the bottom line.”

With this new understanding, Elliott could finally begin to heal what had been neglected inside him for so long.

The Mental Health Professional Who Was Blown Away By APN’s Mental Health Services

As a mental health and addiction recovery professional himself, Elliott was blown away by the services offered at APN.

“I was really lucky both times I was in APN,” Elliott said. “I had this group of people here with me also getting well that wanted to get better, so it made our process groups that much better … we held each other accountable to do the work that we were set out to do.”

Not only did the other group members have a profound impact on Elliott’s healing journey, but he was also in awe of APN therapists.

“My therapist was Lana and she pretty much changed my life,” Elliott said. “I didn’t know that trauma therapy could be so intensive and get so much out of you … When I began to do this trauma work, I didn’t realize just how much there was to unpack … I probably would have lied and been like, ‘Oh I’m just a normal guy. My family … did their best.’”

Overcoming the Stigma and Being Honest About the Struggle

One thing Elliott had to overcome in his trauma-healing journey was rejecting any stigma that might have been associated with his actions.

“The thing is, I’m not a slouch in recovery,” Elliott said. “I’m leading meetings. I’m sponsoring guys. I’m doing this stuff … Sadly, there is a stigma that exists in these subgroups [where] you can be stigmatized for needing additional stuff. Another fear I had was: When I go to mental health trauma treatment, are people going to think I relapsed? Is it going to be hard to come back from that and prove that I didn’t actually relapse? The reality is, yes, that did happen. [But] I realized I had to surrender my whole entire life as I knew it and start over.”

Elliott knew that if he didn’t surrender, he could have had a completely different ending to his story.

“This surrender was like, I need help or this is going to ruin the rest of my life,” Elliott said. “[I didn’t realize how much trauma work] was going to help … with my character defects and everything like that, but it really does. When you do this additional work on yourself outside of just like the rooms and stuff, it’s a game changer for your whole outlook on everything.”

Even though stigma and shame was a part of Elliott’s story, he didn’t let it define him.

“When I surrendered to come to APN, I had to throw all that away,” Elliott said. “Like, whatever. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. And if people think something about me I don’t care anymore … At least I had a couple people in my court that were gonna support me and know the truth about why I came.”

Falling Off Track

After leaving APN for the first time, Elliott found himself falling back into several of his self-deprecating habits.

“So I left APN [and you’re not] supposed to enter into a relationship or start dating too quickly, [but I did],” Elliott said. “The only thing I did was start going to therapy immediately after getting home. [Then], I [met] a girl [and] I started a relationship within a week [of leaving treatment] … I was definitely not in the right place … Time went on and I kept up with therapy a little bit, but I kept cutting it down to save money and eventually [just stopped altogether] … My work addiction was at an all-time high. I was sleeping about three hours a night [and eventually I cracked].”

After reaching his rock bottom, Elliott realized how much he was trading one addiction for another.

“You would think nothing of it unless you hit a bottom. You know?” Elliott said. “You get pats on the back for working hard. You get raises … But I burnt out big time. I went into a state of panic attacks, anxiety, regular nightmares … I won this big award in my county for being a servant of the county [but] I [was] having a panic attack the whole time [and] nobody knew … Everyday I’d be crippled by anxiety, just laying on the ground … practically ripping my hair out or playing the same video game over and over again trying to stop my head from racing.”

Coming Back to APN and Doing Things Differently Post-Treatment

Elliott knew he couldn’t continue on like this, so he decided to seek treatment for the second time at APN. Fortunately, he was greeted with the love and support he needed.

“Every staff member that was here when I first came … made it a point to see me within my first or second day here,” Elliott said. “They gave me a hug. They sat down with me. It was like having a one-on-one with every CA / case manager / admissions person that I knew … it really made me feel like that much more grateful to be back.”

The second time around, Elliott was able to dive even deeper into his trauma healing. Most importantly, he walked away with a clearer understanding of his aftercare needs.

“[After leaving APN for the second time I was doing] telehealth [and] IOP,” Elliott said. “I was doing groups. I did a mindfulness [course and] regular therapy once a week … I did that pretty strong for my first 60-90 days out of here [and] I just made it a priority when I got back home. Luckily, I’m blessed to have a job that kind of knew the nature of what I had been experiencing and they gave me a break [and] gave me time to really make that stuff a priority in my life.”

Today, Elliott has a lot more tools to support him when life gets hard.

“Now [I have this] understanding that my recovery is kind of three-fold,” Elliott said. “It’s grounded in 12 steps, grounded in God, [and] grounded in trauma work. That has literally been my focus since I’ve been out of treatment … I’m telling you this year has been the kind of year where I see the purpose of it and I see so many people in recovery struggle with mental health stuff [who] are afraid to ask for help. Now that I get to be open with this part of my story more people have reached out to me in recovery [for guidance].”

Elliott’s Lessons Learned

Elliott’s story is truly unique. With both parents having suffered and succumbed to addiction, he knew he didn’t want to end up the same. Still, after years of sobriety and even working in the recovery field, Elliott found himself struggling with the same things that led him to pick up the substances in the first place. Now that he’s finally taken the time to tend to his deep inner wounds, he has some valuable lessons to share with others.

“You have to be willing to do the work while you’re here,” Elliott said. “You’re not gonna get anything out of just sitting there [and] attending something … I think some people think they go to treatment and treatment just makes them better. Like, just the physical act of going to a treatment center is what makes them better. Go to a doctor. I get a pill … I’m good. I just take this pill. I’m good. You know? That’s just simply not the case. It’s about the effort that we put into getting better.”

As Elliott learned from personal experience, doing the work isn’t easy.

“[When you’re in treatment], there’s topics that are hard that come up and you want to not say anything,” Elliott said. “But if you have an inkling that you need to say it, you need to get it off your chest. And if you do, it’s gonna make it that much better in the long run.”

Also, just because you put in the work once, doesn’t mean it has somehow magically stopped.

“I believe my primary thing that I need to continue to work on for the rest of my life is my trauma,” Elliott said. “If I don’t come to grips with the reality that I’m going to need to continue to work on this for the rest of my life, then I might slip back into those trauma responses or the things that I [use to] cope.”

Even though it can seem daunting to look at our struggles in this long-term way, Elliott has come to understand that this is just a part of his story, and not who he truly is.

“We have a story but we are not our story,” Elliott said. “We might have a past but it doesn’t define who we actually are. That’s helped me step outside of being ashamed of myself or self-hate … there’s still the days when I’m like, Ah. It’s tough … But then there’s just days where I’m like, You know man – you are not like how you used to be and you should be proud.”

Elliott serves as an inspiring reminder that the work never ends, but there’s always something to be proud of if you keep showing up.

If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you allow yourself to receive the gifts of sobriety and healing.

More From Elliott

Listen and watch the Elliott’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.

These feelings are completely typical for anyone who’s been in rehab. Going back to work is part of rebuilding your life without a substance or alcohol use disorder controlling your thoughts and actions. Juggling the demands of home, family, and work isn’t easy when you are new to recovery, but you have the skills to be successful on every front.

Understand Your Legal Rights as a Person in Recovery

When certain conditions are met, the United States Department of Labor recognizes substance use disorder as a serious condition. The Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) protects workers who must miss work because of a serious health condition. If you meet the requirements, you cannot be terminated for missing work while in rehab.

If you require ongoing treatment once completing rehab, your job will still be protected as long as you meet the FMLA requirements. Those requirements include that you worked approximately 25 hours or more per week for the prior 12 months before leaving for rehab and that your workplace has been employing at least 50 people within a 75-mile radius for the past 12 months.

However, the FMLA does not protect people with substance use disorder if they are breaking company rules regarding drug or alcohol use. For example, if you possess or use illegal substances anywhere on company property, your employer may be within their rights to fire you.

Regardless of health status, you are still required to follow all company policies, just like any other employee.

Communicate With Your Employer for Further Accommodations

If you’re returning to the same place of work after rehab, there’s no reason not to be upfront with your employer. They already know or suspect you are struggling with a substance use disorder.

Speak with the human resources department if you need specific days/hours off for outpatient treatment or support meetings. You may also need to certify requests with a note from your medical provider.

The conditions of the FMLA allow you to request reduced hours if needed. Working part-time could provide a smoother transition and give you the time needed for continued treatment.

Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, it is unlawful for an employer to discriminate against a person who has completed rehab and is remaining drug-free.

Best Tips for Returning to Work

Dealing with your employer and the legalities around your leave is only the first step. You may also be concerned about reuniting with coworkers or handling the stress of your job. Try these tips to help you feel confident and prepared as you transition back to work after rehab.

Stay Positive

According to Johns Hopkins Medicine, more than 20 million people in the U.S. are currently affected by substance use disorders. This means that the chance that at least one of your coworkers loves someone with an addiction issue — or has one themselves — is high.

A successful transition starts with you. Focus on the people who are supporting you and rooting for your success. Make every effort to be a positive example, and use the skills you learned in rehab to establish healthy communication habits with coworkers.

Returning to work offers an opportunity to rebuild relationships. If you have amends to make with co-workers, make them, but do so on your own time.

Stay Balanced

Residential treatment gives people the rare opportunity to devote their time to nothing but their healing for 30 to 90 days — or more. Managing the responsibilities of regular life after rehab is a challenge under any circumstances. The key is maintaining a balance between work and recovery.

Take time for self-care to avoid the risk of relapsing. Looking after your physical and mental health can help you be a better employee and a better person overall. Be vigilant about practicing good self-care habits, such as:

• Eating a balanced diet
• Reading
• Exercising
• Spending time with family and sober friends
• Meditating, journaling, and other mindfulness practices
• Hobbies and activities
• Getting adequate sleep

You may need to set strict boundaries in your work life to achieve a healthy balance. Habits like avoiding work communications during non-work hours and leaving work at the appointed time each day will be helpful.

Develop a Routine That Supports Recovery

Both inpatient and outpatient rehab services establish a routine for your daily life. You likely had to follow a schedule and show up to meetings or meals on time. Developing a routine after rehab is similarly helpful for people who are still struggling with fears about what they will do with too much time on their hands.

Returning to work after rehab helps to maintain a routine, but work doesn’t last 24 hours a day. Create a schedule that reflects your new desire for health and stability. Daily habits like writing in a journal before work or going to 12-step meetings on specific days can be beneficial.

Plan for Stress

Every job comes with stress. Stress isn’t always a negative thing; the stress of being late for work helps get you out of bed in the morning when the alarm rings. However, too much or poorly managed stress can lead to problems.

Stress often comes from the desire to control people or events. If a work presentation doesn’t go as well as you’d wanted, you may feel stressed afterward. On the other side, if someone — like a boss — is trying to control you, you may feel stressed as well.

It’s not a matter of “if” going back to work will bring stress. The issue is how will you handle it. Decide in advance what you’ll do to manage stress and prevent it from negatively affecting your health.

Be Vigilant About Relapse Symptoms

Everyone who completes substance use disorder treatment is concerned about the possibility of relapse. Relapsing is not only a threat to your health, but it’s also a threat to your livelihood. Will your employer give you a third chance? Will you have the courage to go back to your workplace if everyone knows of your struggle?

Vigilant honesty about your triggers, emotions, and behavior is needed to avoid relapse. Today, most recovery experts agree relapse begins long before a person actually takes a drug or a drink. There are three stages to relapse: emotional, mental, and physical.

Emotional relapse begins when a person starts thinking about drugs or alcohol. They may start neglecting their health, which can lead to depression and poor stress management.

Mental relapse occurs when the person starts to debate whether they should try substances again. They may romanticize “old times” and begin to think of their substance use days as fun and adventurous. Physical relapse is the act of taking a drink or ingesting a substance. Waiting until the physical act has happened makes recovery much more difficult.

Relapse symptoms to be aware of include:

• Increased stress
• Loss of interest in other activities
• Mood swings
• Missing support meetings or not participating when you attend
• Internalizing emotions
• Poor self-care, such as not eating healthy and not exercising
• Experiencing cravings
• Planning a relapse in your head
• Minimizing the past and possible consequences

Knowing that relapse plays out over stages gives you time to take action. Speak to your sponsor or a mental health professional about your concerns if you notice these signs.

Beware of Burnout

Watch for signs of mental, emotional, and physical burnout as you return to work. During the early stages of recovery, exhaustion is typical. If you’re starting to dread going to work or feeling you’re too tired for other things, take steps to restore balance.

You could be working too much, or it could be time for a change. The job you loved when you were misusing drugs or alcohol may not be as satisfying once you are in recovery.

Coping With Discrimination

While many people today are educated enough on substance use issues to avoid discriminating, some coworkers might treat you differently when you return to work after rehab.

As long as you are not currently misusing substances, the American Disabilities Act protects you from discrimination. If you believe you are being overlooked for assignments or promotions because of your substance use, speak with your HR representative.

Filing an official complaint may be the best option. Additionally, your HR representative may have ideas for resolving conflicts with coworkers or supervisors that don’t require legal action.

Remember that many people are struggling or know someone who is struggling with the same issues. If a coworker tries to talk to you about rehab, it may not be out of discrimination. They may be seeking information for themselves or a family member.

Before assuming the worst, carefully consider what the person is saying. You can gain further perspective by speaking with a third party, such as a sponsor or trusted friend.

What if You Don’t Want to Return to Work After Rehab?

Earning a paycheck will become necessary at some point after treatment, but don’t be surprised if the experience of recovery has changed your career goals. Whether you want to change locations or move in a completely new direction, there are many resources to help you.

People often decide to move to a new location after completing rehab. If you wish to continue working for the same company, talk to your employer or the HR department about relocation options.

If launching a new career is your goal, congratulations. It’s never too late to start again. Work with a career counselor to make an action plan for your new venture. Joining your treatment center’s alumni group may also provide opportunities you never even imagined before.

Keeping the Balance Between Work and Recovery

Recovery teaches people to take life one day, one step at a time. Going back to work after rehab is a big but necessary step toward living an independent and stable life. You’re not obligated to share personal information with coworkers, but planning what you do and don’t want to say in advance will make the transition easier.

Keep a positive attitude and use all the new skills you’ve learned in treatment to manage your stress and stay healthy. That includes watching out for relapse symptoms. If you are concerned about relapsing, take action immediately. Waiting until physical relapse has happened makes everything — including keeping your job — more complicated.

If you discover your old career is no longer fulfilling your needs, don’t despair. Being in recovery opens many doors to a healthier, happier life. Some of those doors, like a new career, are surprises.

At APN Lodge, we support your wellness journey every step of the way — from rehab to recovery and beyond. To find a comprehensive treatment program, call us at 855.934.1178 or submit our confidential contact form today.

References

• Minkove, Judy F. “New Research and Insights into Substance Use Disorder.” Johns Hopkins Medicine, Johns Hopkins Medicine, 30 June 2022, www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/articles/2022/06/new-research-and-insights-into-substance-use-disorder.

Marcus Smith II, a former NFL linebacker and defensive end, is known for his athletic versatility and strong defensive skills. Drafted in 2014 by the Philadelphia Eagles, Smith’s career spanned several teams, including the Seattle Seahawks and the Washington Commanders. Although he faced different challenges throughout his NFL career, Smith demonstrated resilience and adaptability in the face of adversity, contributing notably in rotational defensive roles.

However, what’s even more impressive is the strength that Marcus demonstrated outside of the game. When football was no longer his world, he was forced to face the overwhelming depression and anxiety that had been haunting him for years. After nearly taking his own life, Marcus opened up about his healing journey that led him to be a leader in the mental health sphere. Learn more about Marcus’ story in the All Points North (APN) podcast episode, Finding Identity Outside of Football and Depression: Recovery x Marcus Smith II, or continue reading the article below.

Building Tension and Wanting to End It All

Oftentimes, people are so focused on achieving high, lofty goals that they overlook the challenges that can come from those successes. This was certainly the case for Marcus.

“I was drafted by the Philadelphia Eagles in the first round,” Marcus said. “Nobody in my family ever reached that highest pinnacle of their career so … I never had anyone to actually talk to about what I was gonna deal with being a pro.”

Being in the limelight certainly comes with its own set of unique challenges. However, when you add in mental illness on top of that, things can quickly become overwhelming.

“I was dealing with anxiety and depression for a long time before I actually knew what it was,” Marcus said. “A lot of us who play football go through these things every year … because we’re trying to do our best for the coaches. We’re trying to be our very best to get another contract and things of that nature, but we drive ourselves crazy doing it. It’s a wear and tear on our brains.”

Trying to keep up with the demands of professional football while battling a disease he knew nothing about proved to be unmanageable. When his career ended in 2018, it was the perfect catalyst for all his internal struggles to finally erupt.

“In 2018 I had a scare in which I tried to end my own life,” Marcus said. “I didn’t care about anything else. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and I just felt like no one could help me. I used to tell my wife like, ‘You know, I don’t know what this is but I don’t want to deal with this pain anymore.’”

Marcus went on to describe his last suicide attempt that was miraculously interrupted by both his wife and mother-in-law.

“I [was] about to drive off this cliff and as I’m driving my wife calls me,” Marcus said. “I jerked the car back out of frustration and fear, trying to rush her off the phone to actually do what I had set out to do that morning when I woke up. So I finally get off the phone … and then I try to do it again [when] my mother-in-law calls me. So I jerked the car back out of frustration again and I’m like, ‘God – what is going on?’ But that was just God [saying], ‘Hey, you have a bigger [purpose].’ … By the time I was done talking to my mother-in-law, I was at the bottom of the hill and that’s when I realized, oh man, what did I just do? … So I walked away after that and then I went to seek therapy.”

While that moment in 2018 could have been Marcus’ end, he chose a new beginning instead, therapy being merely the start of it.

Time and Space to Heal

However, as time went on, Marcus realized that he needed more than just therapy to truly heal.

“A couple years had passed [and] it was 2020. I was doing therapy every now and again and I felt like I just wasn’t getting anywhere,” Marcus said. “I never gave myself a chance to sit down and look at [the fact that I wasn’t in] the league anymore … I just tried to jump into everything because I didn’t want to go broke. I didn’t want to be one of the statistics [so] I never gave myself that time.”

Continuing to press on, Marcus’ feelings kept getting louder and louder until he couldn’t put them on the back burner any longer.

“You just get back into old habits and then you just feel like you’re not worth anything because you don’t have the sport anymore,” Marcus said. “It’s like I didn’t have any true identity … I was very irritable not knowing why I [was] irritable. [I was] so used to putting my hands on people because I played defense [but I couldn’t] use that aggression anymore so I [had] to figure out a way to channel that somewhere else.”

Never having been to treatment before, Marcus decided to give it a try after one of his friends recommended All Points North Lodge.

“[An] old teammate told me about APN and I was just blown away … I got the opportunity to come out here for 30 days. I had to leave my kids and it was the hardest thing for me to do, but I wanted to heal.”

Coming to APN and Getting to Know the Real Marcus

When Marcus came to APN, he wasn’t sure about a lot of things. But, through the process of his mental health treatment, he learned things about himself that would help him throughout his life.

“APN is an amazing place,” Marcus said. “[For] athletes and the general population, this is a place where you come to get healing and you can leave feeling amazing about yourself. Before I got here, I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know who the real Marcus Smith was. All I knew was the shield that was in front of me and the helmet that I wore.”

Because his shield and helmet was all he previously knew, it took Marcus some time to warm up to letting his guard down, a necessary prerequisite to healing.

“When I got off the plane … I wasn’t really ready to open up,” Marcus said. “I didn’t know how to. I was gonna come in and you know maybe be the quiet guy, just like listen and observe. But when I got here and [saw] how nice everyone was and how the camaraderie was, when I stepped in and [saw] other people having conversations and talking about some of the same stuff that I’m dealing with, I’m like, I can’t be quiet anymore. Like, I got to get this off of me because I’m just gonna sit here and rot.”

Before long, Marcus found himself fully immersed in the process.

“I was able to get [out] all of the things that were deeply embedded in me … that I [hadn’t] talked about in years – [things] that I forgot [were] even there,” Marcus said. “[I was] walking around with [a] 1,000 pound brick that [I got to] drop. It felt like a weight [was] lifted …I never [cried] so much in my life [but] it was the best thing ever.”

Locker Room Friendships

Being fully invested in such a vulnerable process, Marcus was able to connect with other people at APN in lifechanging ways.

“I have a couple [good friends from APN] – well more than a couple, actually – that I talk to weekly,” Marcus said. “We didn’t know that a lot of us were kind of like dealing with the same things [even though] all of us have different stories. Seeing each other share sparked a lot of friendships and [it’s] something that can never be broken. It’s almost like being in the locker room with the guys, but it’s different now. We’re not all on edge. We’re vulnerable and we’re trying to help one another.”

As a previous NFL player, these friendships allowed him to feel human again, connecting with others in truly meaningful ways as opposed to feeling like a commodity to someone else.

“It was the first time in a long time that I felt like I was [an] actual human being,” Marcus said. “You know, nobody addressed me as Marcus Smith [who] played for the Eagles. [I was just me].”

Integration Into “Real Life”

As anyone who goes to treatment knows, the program is only the first part of the healing process. The real test comes when you leave treatment itself.

“They told us once we left APN [and] get back into the real world, it’s not as easy as people think,” Marcus said. “The things that you do learn, you’re gonna have to apply them right away. So [some] of the things that I learned [were] positive self-talk and breathing exercises and meditation … I had to practice those things. I also continued therapy … ultimately, I learned that [my challenges are] not going to go away [and that] this is a journey. It’s something [I’m] gonna have to face and continue to conquer each and every day.”

As Marcus learned at APN, healing doesn’t mean healed and that’s OK.

“When I got home, it was tough at first. But I wanted to make sure that I applied everything … that’s the process that I’m still on today – just continue therapy and stay above water, even-keel … the tools that they give you here … really work [if you actually apply them].”

From Pain to Purpose

For Marcus, part of his healing journey was transforming his pain into purpose by helping other people who may have experienced similar challenges. That’s why he started the The Circle of “M” podcast where he breaks down stigma about mental health by sharing other people’s stories and connection to the cause.

“I started [the podcast] after [coming to] APN,” Marcus said. “I noticed that people were struggling [but] we were struggling together. We were coming together for our common cause. Then I noticed people who haven’t come to APN who are actually doing this work. [Still], they are struggling and are afraid to talk about it. So what I did was I just created a safe place for athletes [and] entertainers to be able to come and speak about their different mental health journeys. It’s a 501c(3) and our job is to unmask the feelings that cause anxiety, depression, [and other mental health disorders].”

Not only did Marcus better his own life, but he’s also helping others on their healing journeys, as well.

“Creating [these] safe places is very important because a lot of us – especially men – it’s just hard for us to talk about our feelings.”

While Marcus may have originally seen the end of his NFL career as the end of his life, we now see that it was really just the beginning. While his professional football career was certainly impressive, we believe that what he’s accomplished since will have an even greater impact.

If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you start a new chapter and leave the old one behind.

More From Marcus

Listen and watch Marcus’ episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.

Caught in the grips of addiction, Ashley found herself unable to cope with life’s challenges any longer. After calling a family member for support, she learned of All Points North (APN) Lodge addiction and mental health recovery program. While it was not Ashley’s first time at a treatment center, coming to APN finally gave her the tools needed to turn her life around.

Now, Ashley’s speaking out about her story and how life has changed since leaving the lodge. To learn more about her journey, continue reading the article below or check out the full APN podcast episode, Treatment Gave Me Hope for a Better Life: Recovery x Ashley.

At Her Wits’ End

Like many people who face addiction and mental health problems, Ashley needed to hit rock bottom before she could start unfolding the life she was meant to live.

“[I’d] been struggling for a long time,” Ashley said. “This [was] not my first rodeo. APN’s [the] third [treatment center I’ve been to]. It had [gotten] to a point where I was hiding everything, like where I was going, who I was talking to, where my money was going. I even had a little refrigerator that I would hide things in. It was just the hiding and the lying to my husband and it got so bad [that] the chaos was overwhelming to the point where … I was at the end of it. I wanted to take my life.”

Fortunately, Ashley had the courage to pick up the phone and call someone she loved for help.

“I called one of my family members and I said, ‘I have no words. I don’t know what to do. I am at my wits’ end. Help me.’ And he said, ‘Do you have insurance? Do you got this amount of cash? Let’s go.’ I was literally on a plane the next day,” Ashley said.

However, before Ashley got to the treatment center, she decided to have one last hurrah.

“I was drinking at the airport and I remember telling the bartenders, ‘These are my last drinks. I’m going to rehab!’” Ashley said. “My husband had cut all the credit cards off because he knew what I was doing at the bar … so I couldn’t pay for my bar tab. [Then this woman] grabs my hands and she goes, ‘I heard you’re going to rehab. I paid for your tab. Once you get on that plane, I hope you come back a different person.’ And I think about her quite often … I could have been arrested [for] being as drunk as I was and being a flight risk … so I’m just thankful I was able to get here safely.”

Immersing Herself in the Process

When Ashley finally did make it to APN Lodge, she decided to go all in.

“I showed up to every class,” Ashley said. “I was present. I brought my DBT book even though it was a pain in my ass. Like, that class was hard for me. I overthink things and I’m just like, this doesn’t make sense. I have ADHD … I really took an interest in every class, even with art. Like what the fuck, am I doing art class? I like to be out and active and running, you know? [But] I embraced every aspect.”

Even though Ashley found herself immersed in some activities she wouldn’t typically engage in, she also had plenty of time to do the things that filled up her cup.

“We got a crew together [and] we went on hikes every morning at 6 am,” Ashley said. “[One night] we went up to the big house and went star watching. We made s’mores and saw some awesome animals up there. Every part I just took in.”

By surrendering to the process, Ashley was able to uncover some pivotal moments of insight.

“The [process] of being mindful and finding who you are – that authentic self – is just like, holy crap … I really embraced it all and I think it’s really important to [do] when you [come to] any recovery place … just be vulnerable, and be willing, be open and be honest with yourself. That’s really what I did because what I was doing was not working.”

APN Aftercare & Community Connection

After 72 days in treatment, it was finally time for Ashley to return to everyday life. However, she wasn’t going to be left hanging. As an APN alumni, Ashley would have access to a variety of long-term supports to utilize on her recovery journey.

“I’m still involved in the aftercare program at APN—the Zoom, the Living Sober,” Ashley said. “I still do family therapy with my husband [and] I have a personal therapist … Through these [meetings], I’ve met some wonderful people and it’s amazing to see their faces … I’m on a couple group chats with some previous clients here and [social media makes] it so easy to follow [their] stories and then just check in and say hi.”

Through all of these efforts, Ashley has learned the value of community support in recovery.

“Picking up the phone is easy,” Ashley said. “It’s been beautiful to keep connection and [see] what they’re doing. And if they’re having a bad day, they can pick up the phone because we do have similar issues … Where it may not be easy for me to pick up the phone and call my husband, I could pick up the phone and call somebody else that’s in the APN family and they understand completely.”

Setting Boundaries and Setting Up for Success

Another aspect of Ashley’s long-term recovery plan is to set boundaries and set herself up for success.

“If I don’t feel comfortable doing something [and] I know it’s going to present a hazard to my sobriety, I am in [a] position now [where] I’m like, I come first. I need to be selfish,” Ashley said. “I need to take a step back … I don’t need [to provide] an explanation to everybody—it’s not necessary. I need to put myself first. Maybe in a year or so, I’ll be able to do these things. It just takes time to create a safe space.”

Part of creating a safe space is preparing yourself for positive outcomes, as Ashley explains.

“You go into these situations in the long run that you’re prepared [for],” Ashley said. “If you do put yourself in a vulnerable situation, always have that exit plan. You know, I drive now. If my husband and I have to drive separately – because I’m not going to pull him away from fun – I’m gonna drive. I bring Bug, [my emotional support service dog]. I have [a] deterrent. I have something to focus on. I’ll leave two hours early … Preparing yourself and being proactive and in situations sounds like a lot, but in the end it’s so much easier than being drunk [and dealing] with the whole repercussions of having to apologize and pick up the pieces.”

Not only does Ashley prepare herself for events and occasions, but she also engages in healthy routines to better support her sobriety.

“[During my stay at APN], one of the NFL players [who was here] said, ‘You’d be really good at CrossFit,’” Ashley said. “So my plan was [to] find a CrossFit gym in my local area, which I did. I was there the next day … I literally took APN’s plan from the moment I woke up—getting my coffee, getting my green drink, going to the gym, the classes that we went to was [all] my work schedule … I literally took the APN schedule and routine and I transplanted it into Arizona into my home. Then, as I became more comfortable being home and having like the real-life surroundings, I started adding little things here and there.”

Just like Ashley was all in at APN, she’s been all in since returning home.

“I didn’t go to the grocery store for I don’t even know how long … because that liquor aisle is right there right when you walk in,” Ashley said. “[When I was ready], I made a point to let the guy know who I check out with [that] I don’t drink anymore … I posted on my social media all the time. I let everybody know and I think that holds me accountable … So like I did at APN, I hit the ground running … It wasn’t easy but it worked for me.”

Blips in the Brain

Just because Ashley had set herself up for success didn’t mean she didn’t have human moments every so often.

“[I remember thinking on] Thanksgiving … Yeah, a drink would be a good idea right now,” Ashley said. “I had gone to the store [with] Bug. [I] have her for a reason because she allows me to stay focused … And I looked at Bugger [and I said], ‘No it doesn’t. Nope. I’m here for stuffing.’ [Then I got what] I was there for and got in the car. I picked up the phone. I called my mom. I had a moment. I had one of those thoughts and it’s OK.”

Like anyone who engages in self-reflection, Ashley questioned if she was on the right path. However, with her support system’s help, she could accept and normalize her experience.

“[Sometimes I] question myself, Are those [thoughts] normal? Am I a bad person? Am I really living sobriety if I have those blips in the brain?” Ashley said. “But it is normal.”

Light at the End of the Tunnel

As Ashley’s interview was wrapping up, she had some parting words to share with her listeners.

“If I could just say one thing to anybody who’s struggling, who’s listening to this right now—don’t lose hope,” Ashley said. “The road is not at the end [as] I once thought it was. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that’s super cliche, but I thought I was going to lose my husband. I’m one of the lucky ones who didn’t. I didn’t lose my family or closest friends and I’ve just been blessed that people actually believe in me.”

Because Ashley put herself first by coming to treatment and going all in on her recovery journey, she’s been able to reap some high rewards.

“I told somebody today – one of the current clients – stay as long as you can,” Ashley said. “If finances warrant and your insurance warrant, stay as long as you can because it’s so important. It’s just a page in your life, you know? Your mental health and finding yourself and getting on that right path … is so important.”

If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you decide to go all in.

More From Ashley

Listen and watch Ashley’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.

On the outside looking in, Christine looked like she had her life together. Being a nurse for over 10 years, she was often the person people would depend and rely on. However, after years of hiding her problem with opioids, Christine’s struggle with addiction was finally revealed during one of her nursing shifts when she was caught stealing and using hospital drugs.

After hitting rock bottom, Christine was forced to make some big decisions in her life. Several years later, she’s now working at an addiction rehab center where she uses her personal healing story as a gift to inspire others to seek sobriety. To learn more about Christine’s path to recovery, check out the full All Points North (APN) podcast episode, I Deserve Sobriety: Recovery x Christine, or continue reading the article below.

Addiction Treatment and Relapse

Christine had been struggling with addiction since she was 19 years old. However, she was probably the last person her friends and family thought it would happen to.

“I was the best kid,” Christine said. “I didn’t do anything I shouldn’t have done. I didn’t even drink. [Then], when I had legal consequences, I decided to do all the drugs. I ended up going to treatment once in Florida [and] I stayed sober 11 months. Then, I kind of dipped back into my d-o-c, which is opiates and benzo, [and that’s] what led me to APN.”

Deep into her addiction, Christine found herself somewhere she never thought she’d be.

“I was working as a nurse … and I picked up a night shift,” Christine said. “I don’t remember the shift—like I ended up stealing or diverting oxycodone and then I was shooting myself up with straight Ativan and I guess I disappeared. [Then] they found me in a bathroom with needles all around. I got escorted off the premises by police and was sent home. Obviously, I was terminated. I didn’t have any legal consequences but at that point I was like, something’s got to give … so I looked up places and I found All Points North.”

With her back against the wall, Christine reluctantly sought treatment once again.

“I was living with my parents and my husband [at the time],” Christine said. “It was either go somewhere and do something or get out. I was like, Okay. Well I guess I’ll go … I probably was losing my nursing license so I was like, I might as well go.”

Prove That You Can’t Be Fixed

When Christine first came to treatment, she didn’t believe it would work for her.

“I ended up coming in on April 1st [of 2021] and, of course, I took everything I could take on the way up,” Christine said. “As soon as I got up there and the door shut, I was like, Yeah. No. I’m not going to do this. I don’t want to be vulnerable.”

After that, she decided she was on a mission to prove she was unfixable.

“I had something in me that just was like, No. I think you’re too broken. You can’t be fixed. So you’re going to do everything and you’re going to prove to everybody that they can’t fix you. And that’s kind of how I went into… it.”

Leaning Into Therapy

Little did Christine know that while trying to prove she was unfixable, she would actually begin to heal.

“Then, I met Dustin, who was my [APN] therapist,” Christine said. “I remember my first meeting with Dustin. He was like, ‘Listen—we got to go through this thing and you can tell me all the traumas of your life but we have 28 days to figure this out for you,’ [because] that’s what I signed up for … And I was like, Okay. I can get with this guy. This guy is pretty chill. [And] that probably was the turning point.”

This wasn’t Christine’s first time in therapy or in treatment. But, it was the first time she felt like she was able to embrace her true feelings rather than try to figure out how to get rid of them.

“I came in being really numb so I had trouble figuring out my emotions,” Christine said. “The only emotion I knew and was comfortable with was anger. I had been to therapy before where [I was told] like, ‘You really need to work on that—fix that.’ And Dustin’s like, ‘Screw that! Use it. Use it to your [advantage] to figure this out.”

Through her transformative therapy sessions, Christine was able to start to view sobriety in a whole new light.

“The very last thing Dustin ever told me on the day that I left was so powerful,” Christine said. “He was just like, ‘You deserve sobriety and I need you to know that.’ I still use that to this day … it’s not that I needed it—it’s that I deserved it. And that was something that was very simple and powerful [for me].”

Looking back on the impact of her therapy, Christine knows just how much it meant.

“It’s not even that he saved my life,” Christine said. “He taught me how to save my own. And that’s the most [incredible] thing he gave me.”

Sober Parties and Lasting Connections

Not only did Christine meet an incredible therapist at APN, but she also made lasting connections with some of the other program participants.

“I ended up getting in good with Kirsten, [my roommate], and then Drew. We were kind of The Three Amigos,” Christine said. “Kirsten loved people so she always brought me into like these sober parties and that’s what I remember the most about APN—[it’s] where [I] learned how to have sober fun in a safe environment.”

When you go to a rehab facility, fun isn’t likely the first thing you expect to have. But, as Christine found out, that was really something that APN was good at facilitating.

“We used to hang out in the hot tub. We used to go up and watch sunsets,” Christine said. “I don’t think it’s a secret that APN has NFL guys that come in. They would come hang out with us … so we would just have like this community of fun and that was more powerful than anything else.”

Fortunately, leaving APN didn’t have to mean leaving behind these new connections.

“Kirsten and Drew are still, to this day, my best friends,” Christine said. “We still have a group chat, we Zoom, we talk to each other. Kirsten just came up last week and we hung out for a couple of days—like those are my lifelong friends.”

Adjusting to Life Back at Home

At the same time Christine had made some new meaningful relationships, she’d have some repair to do in the relationships waiting for her back home.

“I think the hardest thing about coming home is your family has been away from you and they’re hearing about all this great stuff,” Christine said. “So my husband, I think, kind of almost expected me not to have angry moments because ‘I’m fixed.’ And it’s like, ‘No. That behavior is still there. I still have to work on it. I have a lot of work to do.’ And then one of the things Dustin told me was like, ‘Don’t hesitate to play the recovery card’ … and that’s what I did. I think that was really hard ‘cause I had to be really selfish in a way.”

Adjusting back to the “real world” would require Christine to let go of more than just her loved one’s expectations.

“I lived in a really small town where they definitely heard about what happened and I was definitely judged,” Christine said. “So I couldn’t even find a job and I was like, I’m living with my parents. I can’t be a nurse. How am I going to get out of this situation?”

Not always sure how she was going to get through it, Christine continued taking things one step at a time.

“I kind of trudged on,” Christine said. “I kept with my IOP. I kept with my meetings. I went when I didn’t want to go. I went double when I didn’t want to go. I worked with a sponsor. I was open with my family. And I didn’t attend things. There were just things I didn’t do because if I felt like it was a risk to my sobriety, it wasn’t worth it … I started to focus more on repairing my relationships than what I was doing for work.”

Figuring Out Her Next Moves

Before long, Christine was able to return to work. However, it was vastly different from any professional setting she’d been in before.

“Through some connections in my small town, I got a job as a lunch lady at a cafeteria,” Christine said. “It was part-time and I was probably making the least amount of money I’ve ever made… It was like this humbling [experience]. Then, I still [didn’t] know if I want[ed] to be a nurse …. [So], I just did my job the best that I could … and … I figured it out.”

Continuing to work hard, Christine’s situation began to turn around.

“[The] Board of Nursing eventually came back and … finally let me have a nursing license with a ton of restrictions,” Christine said. “Then I found Foundry Treatment Center, which is where I work now … [My boss] decided to take the chance [on me].”

Not only did her boss take a chance on her, but he also supported her through her sobriety.

“One of my other addictions is … I will work until you won’t let me work anymore,” Christine said. “Luckily, with being on probation, I’m not allowed to do that and my boss is very cognizant of it. So when I’m at work, I’m at work. And when I’m not at work, I’m living my best life. I work to live. I don’t live to work anymore.”

Living Her Best Life, Sober

Not only has Christine learned how to have sober fun since coming to APN, but she’s also learned how to enjoy her life outside of the workaholic grind. This shift, in turn, has helped her change her entire method of thinking.

“I used to [overthink] all my interactions and now I don’t,” Christine said. “Even if something was a little awkward … I’ll just say it. [My clients where I work always tell me], ‘You just seem super real.’ And [I’m] like, ‘It’s ‘cause I’ve been through it … You can live this best life if you just stay sober and it just keeps getting better.’”

While the idea of living a fulfilling life sober once seemed like a hopeless pipedream to Christine, it is now her driving force.

“In the word hopeless is the word hope,” Christine said. “So you just have to find the hope in the hopeless and then things will be better. That’s what I do and I think that’s what helps keep me sober—know[ing] there’s always a light, there’s always something.”

If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you allow yourself to receive the gift of sobriety.

More From Christine

Listen and watch Christine’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.