One of the most common feelings many mothers experience is “mom guilt,” which can be described as a sense of inadequacy or failure in meeting the often-unrealistic standards of perfect motherhood. But why do so many moms struggle with mom guilt when taking care of their own physical and mental well-being? And most importantly, what can moms do to put their mental health first without feeling guilty? Keep reading to find out.

How Does Motherhood Affect a Woman’s Mental Health?

Motherhood is a life-altering experience that affects every aspect of a woman’s existence. The demands of caring for a child, coupled with societal pressures to be the perfect mother, can lead to a range of mental health challenges. Many new mothers face a steep learning curve as they navigate sleepless nights, feeding schedules, spouses who sometimes fail to offer adequate support, and the constant worry about their child’s well-being. These challenges, while common, can contribute to feelings of anxiety, stress, and even depression.

There are certain physical changes that accompany pregnancy and childbirth, such as hormonal fluctuations, that can also play a significant role in a mother’s mental health. Postpartum depression, for example, affects a substantial number of new mothers. This condition goes beyond the “baby blues” that many women experience shortly after childbirth; it is a more severe and persistent form of depression that can interfere with a mother’s ability to care for her baby and herself.

While not every mother experiences postpartum depression, many still struggle with their new reality. In addition to the physical and hormonal changes, the shift in identity that comes with motherhood can be impactful. Many women struggle with the perceived loss of their pre-motherhood identity, feeling as though they must sacrifice their personal goals, careers, and even their sense of self to fulfill their new role as mothers. This identity shift can lead to feelings of isolation, loss of self-worth, and a sense of being overwhelmed by the responsibilities of motherhood.

Moreover, societal expectations and the portrayal of motherhood in the media often paint an unrealistic picture of what it means to be a “good” mother. The pressure to be constantly nurturing, patient, and selfless while having a spotless home and being an amazing spouse can create a significant burden, leaving many mothers feeling like they are never doing enough. This pressure can be particularly intense for working mothers, who may feel torn between their professional responsibilities and their desire to be present for their children. The result is often a cycle of stress, anxiety, and guilt that can be difficult to break.

Understanding Mom Guilt

Mom guilt is a term that resonates with many mothers. It describes the persistent feeling that they are not living up to the expectations of what a good mother or caretaker should be. This guilt can arise from various sources, such as the belief that one should always be available for their children, the pressure to provide the best possible care, or the internalized notion that any time spent away from their child is selfish.

Unrealistic Expectations

One of the primary reasons for mom guilt is unrealistic standards and expectations of motherhood perpetuated by society. Social media can exacerbate these feelings, as mothers are often bombarded with images of seemingly perfect, Instagram-worthy families, well-behaved children, living rooms without a single thing out of place, and mothers who appear to have it all together. The reality, however, is that these images often do not reflect the full picture. Behind the scenes, many mothers struggle with the same challenges and insecurities, but these are rarely shared in the public eye.

Internal Conflict

Mom guilt can also come from the internal conflict between a mother’s personal needs and her desire to be fully present for her child. For example, a mother may feel guilty for wanting to take time for herself, whether it be for self-care, pursuing a hobby, or simply resting. The flawed notion that a “good” mother must always put her child’s needs above her own can lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt when she takes time for herself.

Balancing Act

This guilt is further compounded by the expectation that mothers should be able to balance all aspects of their lives seamlessly – including returning to work and maintaining their pre-childbirth work performance levels like nothing ever happened. This is especially true in countries like the United States, where new moms are expected to return to work in as little as 12 weeks after the birth of their child.

However, because maternity leave is unpaid in many states, moms often opt to return much sooner than 12 weeks to relieve the financial pressures that come with the birth of a child. In comparison, many countries in Europe offer paid maternity leave for extended periods. For example, new moms in Greece can receive 63% of their regular wages while enjoying up to 43 weeks of paid maternity leave. The global average of paid maternity leave is 18 weeks – leaving the United States as one of the few countries around the world that does not offer paid time off for employees after the birth of a child.

Whether it’s managing a household, excelling in a career, or maintaining social relationships, the pressure to do it all can leave mothers feeling overwhelmed and guilty when they fall short.

Managing Mom Guilt

While this is a common experience, it is essential to recognize that these feelings of guilt are often rooted in unrealistic expectations. This understanding allows you to take steps to manage these feelings more effectively. One of the most important things a mother can do is to practice self-compassion. Remember that each mother and child are unique, and it only harms you to compare your family to others who may seem like they have it all figured out. In fact, the reality is often the opposite. Recognizing that no one is perfect and that everyone makes mistakes can help alleviate the pressure to be the perfect mother. Being a good mother does not mean being flawless; it means doing the best you can with the resources and knowledge you have.

Another effective way to manage mom guilt is to challenge the unrealistic standards of motherhood that society imposes. This might involve taking a break from social media or surrounding oneself with supportive and understanding individuals who share a more realistic perspective on motherhood. Engaging in conversations with other mothers can also be helpful, as it can provide a sense of solidarity and remind mothers that they are not alone in their struggles.

A good idea is to check to see if there are any mom groups that meet in your area. There are a variety of mom groups that organize weekly playdates and outings for new moms and siblings—some are faith-based, while others are non-religious, and some are even ethnicity-based. Look for a group that is supportive, nonjudgmental, and offers activities that align with your interests and your family’s schedule.

Setting realistic expectations and boundaries is another key strategy for managing mom guilt. This means recognizing that it is okay to say no to certain demands and that taking time for oneself does not make one a bad mother. It is important to prioritize self-care and to understand that a well-rested and mentally healthy mother is better equipped to care for her children.

Putting On Your Oxygen Mask First

Have you ever paid attention to the flight attendant announcements you hear before taking off on a plane? They often include the instruction to “put on your oxygen mask first before assisting others.” This is a perfect analogy to remember when struggling with feelings of guilt as a mother—the best way to equip yourself with the mental and physical energy (the “oxygen”) to care for others is to care for yourself first.

For mothers, self-care is not a luxury – it is a necessity. Taking time to care for oneself is not only beneficial for a mother’s well-being, but it also sets a positive example for children. When children see their mother taking care of her own needs, they learn the importance of self-care and are more likely to adopt healthy habits themselves.

Self-care can look different for everyone. For some, it entails a long bubble bath in a spa-like environment, while for others it means burning off some steam at the gym, or just sitting down in silence and enjoying a kid-free, quiet moment on their own. Spend some time thinking about ways that you can incorporate your own version of self-care into your routine, and make it a non-negotiable part of your daily schedule.

What If You’re Still Feeling Guilty?

Let’s face it – motherhood can be hard, but help is available.

In-Person or Virtual Therapy

Therapy can be a powerful tool to help mothers navigate the challenges they face every day and learn healthy ways to reduce stress and cope with mental health challenges such as anxiety or depression. If you are feeling mom guilt about spending this time away from your kids in order to participate in therapy sessions, it is time to reframe this thinking and recognize that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Therapy can provide mothers with the tools they need to cope with the challenges of motherhood, and taking time to address one’s mental health is an investment in the entire family’s well-being.

One way to manage feelings of guilt when taking time for therapy is to remind oneself of the benefits that therapy can provide. Therapy can help mothers develop healthier coping mechanisms, improve communication with their children and partners, and reduce feelings of anxiety and depression. When you put your mental health as a priority, you will be better able to show up for your children in a more present and emotionally balanced manner.

Plan Activities in Advance

If your family schedule is chaotic, do your best to plan ahead and schedule self-care activities, including therapy sessions, at times that work best for the family. This might involve arranging for childcare or coordinating with a partner or family member to ensure that the children are cared for.

What to Do If You Are Still Struggling

So, what should you do if you have tried many of these tips and continue to struggle? Maybe it is just a sign that you may benefit from receiving some professional help. Consider seeking professional help from a qualified mental health therapist who can assist you in overcoming mom guilt and navigating any other mental health challenges you may be dealing with.

In some cases, medication may be necessary to help you manage symptoms of anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions. It is important to consult with a healthcare provider to determine the best course of action. Finally, be patient with yourself. Mental health is a journey, and there will be ups and downs along the way. It is okay to have bad days and to ask for help when needed.

Improving Your Mental Health at All Points North

At All Points North, you will find an entire team of experienced, dedicated mental health professionals who are ready to help you. Whether you are struggling with postpartum depression, anxiety, or just need someone to talk to, APN’s team of highly-skilled therapists are here for you. You can even access therapy online from the comfort of your home. Seeking help is not selfish and can not only benefit you as a mother but also the entire family. Contact us by filling out our confidential contact form or calling us at 855.934.1178 to learn more.

References

• “Countries with Paid Maternity Leave: How the US Compares – Justworks.” Justworks, Countries with Paid Maternity Leave: How the US Compares – Justworks, 2023, www.justworks.com/blog/countries-with-paid-maternity-leave.
• “Mom Guilt: How to Deal.” Cleveland Clinic, health.clevelandclinic.org/mom-guilt.
• “Postpartum Depression: Types, Symptoms, Treatment & Prevention.” Cleveland Clinic, 12 Apr. 2022, my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9312-postpartum-depression.

Why Reconnecting With Family After Recovery Can Be Difficult

When you break free from a substance use disorder, the process involves much more than merely achieving abstinence. Addiction recovery is also typically a holistic life change that teaches people to think about challenges differently, adopt new behaviors and hobbies, and emphasize key values like openness and honesty.

As much as you may have changed in the recovery process, the same can’t necessarily be said for your family members. Many of them may still think of you as the person who’s been using drugs or alcohol for months or years. They might also simply not understand what it takes to build and maintain a life in recovery.

Granted, some close family members may have become involved in your recovery process. If you attended a substance use treatment center that emphasized family therapy as a core treatment method, your closest family members may have a greater understanding of addiction recovery and what it takes.

But for any family members who haven’t joined in on the process, there can be several challenges that people experience when reconnecting. Some of the most common dangers of reconnecting with family after recovery include:

• Feeling triggered around a family member you used to drink or use drugs with
• Feeling pressured to drink or use drugs
• Family members not understanding why you had to get sober
• Substance use happening at family gatherings
• Becoming emotionally triggered by family conflict

With these dangers in mind, reconnecting with family after recovery should be done with careful preparation and a solid foundation of recovery underneath you.

Tips for Reuniting With Family

Following a few simple tips for reconnecting with family after recovery can ensure that everything goes well when you reunite with family members for the first time. This can be an incredibly positive experience. However, keeping your recovery at the forefront is crucial for preserving your hard-won victory over a substance use disorder.

Make Sure You’re Confident in Your Recovery First

Before going into any potentially triggering or difficult situation, you should ensure that you have a solid footing in your recovery. If you reunite with family members when you’re doubting your sobriety, having intense cravings, or generally feeling unsure of your ability to stay sober, it can quickly become too much to handle.

Before reuniting, ask yourself:

• Am I confident that I’ll be able to stay sober no matter what happens?
• Am I expecting my family members to pressure me to drink or use drugs?
• Will I be able to resist pressure from my family members if it happens?

If you can’t answer these questions to your satisfaction, it might be in your best interests to delay reuniting with your family members until you can. Don’t make the mistake of rushing in headfirst when your sobriety might be on the line.

Bring Along a Sober Friend or Supporter

Perhaps you’ve decided to go ahead and reunite with family members but still want some additional support. In that case, consider bringing along a sober friend or someone who supports you in recovery. Having them by your side can help you resist any temptation or craving you experience.

A trusted friend can keep you accountable to your recovery goals, provide support if you experience cravings or challenges, and generally put you at ease in difficult situations. This can be a valuable resource during the early weeks and months of recovery when triggers and cravings are still powerful.

Set Healthy Boundaries

When you’re reuniting with family members for the first time, setting strong and healthy boundaries can be critical to maintaining your progress in recovery. Family members may not recognize the severity of substance use disorders or the ongoing work needed to maintain sobriety. As a result, they may pressure you into uncomfortable situations.

This isn’t necessarily a personal attack against your new sober lifestyle — they may only be acting the way they’ve always acted around you. But your new life in recovery has changed what you need and what you’re comfortable with.

Setting boundaries at the beginning helps establish these new needs. It also lets family members know what’s important for your recovery and keeps you feeling confident in your sobriety.

If you haven’t had to set strong boundaries with family members before, the process can be a bit unnerving. But don’t let your nerves hold you back from voicing your needs. In making healthy boundaries, there are a few key areas you should focus on:

• Reflect on your personal needs
• Determine what your physical, emotional, and mental limits are
• Be direct, clear, and straightforward when setting a boundary
• Firmly hold your boundary, even if you receive pushback

As an example, imagine that you’re meeting with cousins or siblings at their home for a get-together. When you arrive, they may ask uncomfortable questions about your substance use disorder or what led you to seek addiction treatment.

If you aren’t comfortable discussing this subject, an assertive but healthy boundary might be to say, “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing those details right now. Let’s keep the conversation to topics that aren’t my recovery process.”

This boundary acknowledges their concerns and voices your discomfort about the conversational topic. It can also help move the discussion away from subjects that you aren’t prepared to talk about.

Have an Exit Strategy

Family can be overwhelming at times. While you may be looking forward to a reunion, there’s a chance that there will become too much emotional and mental stress to handle, especially if your family starts to argue, pressures you to drink, or asks too many uncomfortable questions.

If your reunion starts to feel like too much, it’s important that you have an exit strategy in place. This could be as simple as saying it’s time for you to go and simply walking out the door. However, there are often barriers that get in the way of people leaving when they want to.

For example, if you suspect that reuniting with family members may be difficult or triggering, make sure to drive yourself to the gathering. Carpooling with a family member may leave you trapped there until that family member is ready to go or the gathering is over.

Whether you take an Uber, drive yourself, ride a bicycle, or get there using your own two feet, try to arrive on your own. It can be reassuring to have a safe exit strategy in case things get hectic.

Be Open and Patient

As a person in recovery, you know how difficult living with a substance use disorder can be and how hard it is to break free from addiction and achieve sobriety. You also understand how powerful cravings or triggers can be and how much work goes into maintaining your recovery.

In contrast, family members who have never had a problem with substance use or gone through recovery often can’t comprehend what it takes to get and stay sober. As a result, they may have questions or misunderstandings about the process, and being open and patient is often an essential component of a successful reunion.

For example, it’s not uncommon for family members to ask questions such as:

• Why did you need to go to treatment? Couldn’t you just stop?
• You had a problem with heroin, so having a beer should be fine, right?
• Why do you still go to those meetings? Aren’t you cured?

These questions are often well-intentioned, but it can quickly become tiresome to answer them repeatedly. Be as open and honest about your recovery as you’re willing to be and understand that your family members simply don’t have the lived experience to understand what it means to get sober and continue working toward your recovery.

Acknowledge Hurt and Consider Making Amends

When dealing with a substance use disorder, people tend to act or speak in ways that hurt the people closest to them. You may have borrowed money without returning it, lied to your family members, or hurt their feelings in some way while you were still in active addiction.

If this is the case for you, reconnecting with family after recovery may be a great opportunity to make amends. The amends-making process is not just about returning owed money or giving a simple apology. It’s also about showing your family that you hold yourself accountable for your actions and are willing to work to make things right.

Amends are a core component of 12-step recovery groups, comprising the ninth step. But even if you aren’t a member of a 12-step group, the amends-making process can go a long way toward healing the harms of the past and cleaning the slate for a better life in recovery.

Still, there is a lesson to be learned in the fact that groups like Alcoholics Anonymous incorporate amends-making into the end of the process. In early recovery, people may not be mentally or emotionally prepared for this process.

Before starting amends, your recovery foundation should be strong enough that you’re prepared to deal with difficult situations. This also ensures that you have the skills and resources to truly set your wrongs right.

Reach Out for Professional Support

Reconnecting with family can be a beautiful reward for achieving and maintaining your recovery, but it’s okay if this process is nerve-racking or anxiety-inducing. If you’re committed to reuniting but don’t feel quite comfortable enough to do so, consider reaching out to a mental health professional to support you in the process.

Working with an individual therapist can assist you in building the coping skills and emotion regulation strategies you need to navigate difficult family situations. A therapist can also provide you with tools to help curb cravings or avoid potential triggers. They can even help you make amends with your family if that’s a goal for you.

There’s no shame in seeking support in these situations. When people break free from substance use disorders, it can feel like even the most mundane of situations are fraught with tense emotions and powerful triggers. A mental health professional supports you in this journey and helps you learn to thrive in your recovery.

Start Treatment at APN

If you’re ready to seek out professional support, reach out to the team at APN by filling out our confidential online contact form or by calling us at 855.934.1178. Our experts can help you decide which treatment options are the best fit for your needs, and we’ll be there to support you through every challenge you face in recovery.

References

• Heinz A, Beck A, Mir J, et al. Alcohol Craving and Relapse Prediction: Imaging Studies. In: Kuhn CM, Koob GF, editors. Advances in the Neuroscience of Addiction. Boca Raton (FL): CRC Press; 2010. Chapter 4. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK53355/

Disorders involving attachment are more common in children but can often progress into adulthood if the right tools and skills aren’t being utilized to build stronger and healthier relationships. Adult attachment disorders typically refer to when people repeat the same relationship patterns over and over again, despite those patterns leading to poor results.

While adult attachment disorders are not a specific diagnosis in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V), they may still help you identify your own patterns of behavior and start working toward recovery.

Adult attachment disorders can be treated and overcome with deliberate effort. But first, it’s important to understand the different types of adult attachment disorders and how they can affect your life.

Types of Attachment Disorders

There are two main types of attachment disorders listed in the DSM-V, neither of which are adult attachment disorders. Both of these disorders are diagnosed in childhood, typically after the age of 9 months but before the age of 5.

While adults cannot be diagnosed with these disorders, the theory of adult attachment disorders was originally developed as an extension of these childhood conditions. The two disorders that are listed in the DSM-V include:

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is a pattern of behavior where children rarely seek out comfort from adults when they feel distressed and don’t respond to comfort when it is given. Children with RAD are typically withdrawn and may be irritable, minimally social, or rarely show positive emotion.

RAD is only diagnosed in children who have either experienced neglect, deprivation, or limited caregiver involvement. It is thought that this lack of caregiver involvement is what leads to RAD, as the child learns that they cannot rely on a caregiver’s presence to help them in distressing situations.

Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder (DSED)

Disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED) is thought to be caused by the same conditions as RAD, where children experience neglect, deprivation, or limited caregiver involvement. However, children with DSED respond to this experience in a nearly opposite direction.

Rather than refusing to seek out comfort from adults, children with DSED show a willingness to approach adult strangers without hesitation. They rarely check in with their caregivers and may exhibit overly familiar behavior with adults they’ve never seen before.

What Are Adult Attachment Styles?

Adult attachment theory was developed by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby in the 1970s. At first, the focus of attachment theory was on children, and they soon discovered that how a parent or caregiver interacted with a child would change the behaviors and emotions of the child.

However, as they continued to work on theories of childhood attachment, it became apparent that these attachment styles may continue with the children into adulthood. Adult attachment styles are typically broken into four main categories.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is the healthiest attachment style and is not a cause for people to seek out treatment or therapy. A person with a secure attachment style typically finds it easy to create and maintain relationships, has a positive sense of self-worth, and is comfortable with expressing their emotions and communicating effectively.

People with a secure attachment style are comfortable being on their own as well as being close to others. Since this is generally ideal for most people, moving toward a more secure attachment style is typically the treatment goal for people struggling with adult attachment issues.

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style can worry excessively about their relationships. They often crave intimacy and deep emotional connections but experience fear that they will be abandoned or that their level of intimacy is not reflected in their partner.

People with this form of insecure attachment often need constant reassurance from their friends or romantic partners. This can often be interpreted as being needy or jealous and can ultimately drive a wedge into important relationships.

Avoidant Attachment

The avoidant attachment style is the opposite side of the coin to anxious attachment. People with an avoidant attachment style are wary of intimacy, prefer to be self-reliant, and may end a relationship if things are getting too serious.

Adults with an avoidant attachment style may show signs such as:

• Discomfort sharing emotions with others
• Avoidance of getting too close to people
• A fear of rejection
• Perception by others as cold or distant

With this attachment style, there may still be a desire for intimacy, but it is blocked by a fear of rejection or not being accepted. Rather than facing this fear, many prefer to simply end relationships before they get too serious, saving them from the perceived danger to come.

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment is the rarest of attachment styles and may be the result of trauma or abuse by a caregiver at a young age. People with disorganized attachment show signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles, such as making efforts to enhance social intimacy followed by immediately closing off.

The behaviors of people with disorganized attachment are often inconsistent or paradoxical. It can feel like a constant oscillation between push and pull, intimacy and isolation, anxiety and avoidance. For people with this type of attachment style, seeking treatment is typically the best way to start repairing your relationships for the better.

Treating Adult Attachment Disorders

If you fall into one of the latter three categories, collectively referred to as insecure attachment styles, seeking treatment from mental health professionals can help you build and maintain healthier relationships for years to come.

Typically, the primary treatment method for attachment issues is individual or group therapy. But depending on your exact needs, there may be several treatment options available to help.

Talk Therapy for Attachment Issues

Working with a therapist is the best way to work through attachment problems and move toward a secure attachment style. An individual talk therapist can help you dig down into the underlying causes of your attachment issues, help you understand why you react to intimacy in the way you do, and guide you toward healthier coping mechanisms and actionable skills to help shift you toward more secure attachment.

There are several steps to building a more secure attachment style. In therapy, your therapist can guide you through the following steps.

Identifying Your Attachment Patterns

The first step is to identify your specific attachment style and understand how it interferes with your relationships on a day-to-day basis. Your therapist can help you understand the different attachment styles, how they develop, and what the consequences of insecure attachment may be.

Determining which attachment patterns you fall into can help you and your therapist collaborate on a plan to heal your attachment challenges. It can also give you insight into why you act the way you do, what your needs are, and how you can have those needs met.

Challenging Negative Beliefs

Challenging negative beliefs is one of the core skills used by cognitive behavioral therapists, but it’s employed in a wide range of different therapeutic styles as well. This is particularly important for people who are living with an insecure attachment style, as people can be inundated with beliefs like:

• They are not lovable
• They will never be able to have a healthy relationship
• There’s something wrong with them
• They will always be alone
• They will always “mess up” in a relationship

These beliefs are common and can quickly become self-fulfilling prophecies if left unaddressed. They are rarely rooted in rationality or objective fact, yet they can have powerful effects on your mental and emotional health.

In therapy, you can learn to identify the thought patterns that are irrational, exaggerated, or outright falsehoods. Your therapist can then provide you with the skills to challenge these negative thoughts, reframe them in a more positive and rational light, and reap the benefits of healthier thought patterns and behaviors.

For example, your therapist may ask you to consider and reframe the belief, “I am not lovable.” When you have this thought, you might challenge it by saying, “I haven’t had success in relationships in the past, but that doesn’t mean I won’t find love in the future.”

Teaching Emotional Regulation

People with an insecure attachment style will often struggle to manage their emotions in a healthy and productive way. For example, a person with an anxious attachment style may get so fearful that their partner is cheating that they bombard them with phone calls or text messages, only to be relieved immensely when they walk through the door minutes later.

For people with avoidant attachment styles, reaching a point in a relationship where your partner is asking you to be more intimate and open with your emotions can be frightening or irritating. This often leads to people leaving the situation or ending the relationship, all because it was too much fear or frustration to handle.

Your therapist can help you get more comfortable with these emotions, learn to keep them in check, and provide you with healthier outlets and coping skills to help avoid the turbulent swings these emotions can cause.

One such example is learning mindfulness techniques, which can focus you on the present moment and not let your emotions dictate your behavior.

Cultivating Relationship Skills

Adult attachment challenges are ultimately all about relationships and how people respond to challenges within them. This can be difficult for anyone, with or without attachment difficulties, and building relationship skills with a therapist can be just what you need to move toward a more secure attachment style.

Your therapist can help you with setting appropriate boundaries, communicating your needs to friends or partners, and increasing your comfort with intimacy or reducing your anxiety when you’re apart from your partner.

It can take time to build these relationship skills, but talk therapy is the best place that this can be done. You can work with your therapist to understand what’s causing your biggest issues and how they can be addressed and put them into practical application within the day, all leading to stronger and healthier relationships and a greater sense of personal mental health.

Start Talk Therapy at APN Lodge Today

If you’re struggling with anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment and it’s starting to interfere with the quality of your relationships, it might be time to start talk therapy with a professional. Leaving these challenges untreated can ultimately lead to a number of personal and interpersonal difficulties, but you can prevent such obstacles by taking action today.

To learn more about how APN Lodge helps people overcome their attachment challenges, reach out to our team by filling out our confidential contact form or by calling us at 855.934.1178.

References

• Ainsworth, Mary S., and John Bowlby. “An Ethological Approach to Personality Development.” American Psychologist, vol. 46, no. 4, 1991, pp. 333–341, https://doi.org/10.1037//0003-066x.46.4.333.

An enmeshed family system makes it difficult for children to emotionally separate from their families and become independent people. Families who are too close may be emotionally enmeshed without realizing it.

What is an Enmeshed Family?

There are many benefits to having strong bonds with family members. The memories you make with parents and siblings over a lifetime are irreplaceable, and so is the unconditional love of family. However, enmeshment goes beyond closeness.

In an enmeshed family, parents often control their children through emotional manipulation. This control can last well into adulthood. This can happen because parents are so reliant on their children for emotional support that they consciously or subconsciously prevent them from achieving personal growth.

Signs of Enmeshment

Enmeshment is marked by a lack of boundaries. Many families have difficulty establishing healthy boundaries, but an enmeshed family’s lack of boundaries is so severe it can lead to confusion over family roles and expectations.

Some of the common signs of enmeshment include:

• You feel it’s appropriate to give up your own goals if your parents don’t approve of them
• Your parents measure their self-worth by the successes of their children
• You always put the needs of others before your own
• If you try to assert any independence, your parents make you feel guilty or ashamed
• You don’t have secrets from your parents
• You feel responsible for the happiness of others
• Your parents treat you more like a friend than a child and look to you for emotional support
• Your parents share inappropriate information with you and/or your siblings
• Your parents want to know every detail of your life, including ones that should be private

Enmeshment can manifest in different ways, but if you feel an overwhelming sense of obligation to your parents or believe you don’t have a right to privacy, you may have grown up in an enmeshed family.

The Causes of Enmeshment

Like most dysfunctional family dynamics, enmeshment is typically passed from one generation to the next. Even when they are unhealthy, people tend to create the same type of family they grew up in because it is familiar.

Enmeshment is thought to originate when a child has a serious illness, including mental illness and addiction. It can also happen when a child survives a life-threatening trauma. In these frightening situations, it is natural for parents to become overprotective.

While overprotective behaviors are understandable in some cases, they can become a habit that continues long after they are no longer needed.

The events that led to your family’s enmeshment may or may not have happened in your lifetime. Older generations often pass down dysfunctional habits from one generation to the next. It may not be possible to pinpoint why your family has become enmeshed, only that they are.

An Enmeshed Family vs. a Close Family

Most parents will spend any amount of time, money, and energy to strengthen family connections and build a deep sense of belonging among family members. These strong bonds build a support system that allows grown children to go out into the world and pursue their individual goals. In an enmeshed family, children are expected to meet their parents’ goals, not their own.

In a close family, members offer emotional support when needed, but they also give one another space. No one is expected to meet another family member’s emotional needs as they are in an enmeshed system.

Most families have expectations for children to do chores and take some responsibility for the running of the household. This not only teaches kids important life skills but also helps them build self-esteem. Children who contribute to the mutual chores feel a sense of pride and satisfaction.

When a family is enmeshed, the children might be expected to provide all the cooking and cleaning for the family. Chores and other responsibilities cut into study time or time with friends. Serving the family is viewed not just as a priority but as the child’s absolute obligation.

Close families can be very involved in one another’s lives while still maintaining healthy boundaries. The members of an enmeshed family don’t have boundaries. Children aren’t allowed to say no to their parents or create an identity outside of the family unit, and parents depend heavily on their children for their own sense of success.

The Long-Term Impact of Enmeshment

Being raised in an enmeshed family system isn’t easy for children, but the effects of the dysfunction don’t stop in childhood. The impact of enmeshment can be seen throughout an adult’s life if they don’t take the steps to heal.

No Room for Other Relationships

When family members are connected in unhealthy ways, it is difficult to form healthy relationships with other people. New friends or potential life partners get pushed aside when the needs of parents or others in the family need attention.

An enmeshed parent can also put pressure on relationships when they don’t approve of a person. They may influence their grown child to stop seeing the other person or make things so difficult the relationship breaks under scrutiny.

Living With Constant Self-Blame

Enmeshed family members can be so connected that members blame themselves for any unhappiness or failure of another member. For example, in a healthy family, when an adult child moves far away, members might feel sad and miss the person but also happy that their loved one is pursuing their dreams.

In an enmeshed family, even the thought of moving can fill a person with shame. Adult children blame themselves for any unhappiness their parents or siblings might experience. This level of self-blame extends beyond just family. Feeling guilty anytime anything goes wrong at work or in social circles is typical among those who’ve grown up in an enmeshed system.

Not Pursuing Personal Goals

When there are no boundaries in a family, it’s easy to mistake a parent’s goals for your own. Adult children from enmeshed families might be pressured into pursuing careers, relationships, or activities that their parents want, or they may pursue those goals without ever questioning the source.

Poor Self-Esteem

Trying new things and overcoming challenges is part of how humans build self-esteem. People from an enmeshed family are typically discouraged from trying new things.

Failure isn’t seen as a learning experience but as something to be completely avoided. Enmeshed parents may be trying to protect their children from being hurt or they might be protecting their own self-worth by not having a child that failed. Either way, low self-esteem can lead to serious mental health concerns like depression and anxiety.

Repeating Unhealthy Patterns

Without support, people from enmeshed families are likely to repeat the same patterns they grew up with. They may choose partners who don’t respect boundaries or partners who use guilt and manipulation to get their way.

Being placed in the caretaker role is familiar for those raised in enmeshment. They may struggle with co-dependence issues or enable partners with substance use disorders.

Ending the Cycle of Enmeshment

It is never too late to end unhealthy cycles. Even if you already have children and are passing down enmeshment patterns, you can learn how to foster healthy relationships with your family members.

Breaking free from dysfunctional patterns may require the help of a mental health professional. Targeted therapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy can help you identify unhelpful behaviors and learn how to replace them with behaviors that build your self-esteem and support your independence.

If they are willing, attending therapy with family members is ideal. When an enmeshed family is willing to work together to learn healthy ways of communication, everyone benefits.

Many parents don’t realize they are doing anything “wrong” or potentially harmful to themselves and their children. They are simply replaying the same types of family dynamics they grew up in.

Even if only some or none of your family members are interested in going with you, therapy can be extremely effective in helping you learn how to establish boundaries and explore the person you genuinely are — not the person your family expects you to be.

Tips for Ending Enmeshment

There are many things you can do today to end the dysfunctional cycle of enmeshment. Start by learning how to set and protect personal boundaries. Think about the times you have felt guilty, resentful, or unappreciated by your family. These are likely times when boundaries have been violated.

Consider this scenario as a boundary violation example: “I got angry when my mother asked me to help her in the garden because she knew I had planned to study all day for my real estate license test. She began to complain about her back pain when I said I was busy. I felt guilty, so I went to help her instead of studying.”

A person with a clear boundary might have told their mother, “No, I can’t garden. Remember, I told you I was studying today?” Or they might have struck a compromise such as, “I need time to study. I can help for two hours if you take the kids tonight so I can get my work done.”

Both are examples of protecting your needs and not allowing someone else’s dysfunction to sabotage your success.

Other tips for ending enmeshment include:

• Engage in activities that increase your self-esteem
• Cultivate your own interests by going to the church you like, studying the subject you’re passionate about, and spending time with the friends you have chosen
• Avoid making decisions based on guilt
• Make an effort to do things without your family
• Make a list of your strengths and remind yourself about them as often as needed
• Seek counseling to help change negative thinking patterns
• Spend time with people you admire, and think about the traits that draw you to them
• Try new things even if you think you might fail
• Encourage independence in your own children
• Create an identity that is separate from your children
• Learn how to say “no” without excuses or apologies

Breaking free from enmeshment isn’t fast or easy. It may take a lot of time to learn new, healthy habits. Becoming healthy in a family of people with dysfunctional habits is certain to cause friction. Be prepared for pushback from parents and siblings as you begin to set boundaries and assert your independence.

Protecting Your Mental Health Is Good for Everyone

Taking actions that support your mental health helps your entire family in the long run. Other family members may see that the world doesn’t end if they pursue a personal goal or enter a relationship their parents don’t approve of.

Growing up in an enmeshed family can have long-lasting consequences, but you can overcome the negative impact with the right support. Take the next step to improve your mental health by submitting our confidential contact form or calling All Points North at 855.934.1178.

References

• Martin, Sharon. “The Enmeshed Family System: What It Is and How to Break Free.” Psych Central, Psych Central, 26 July 2023, psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2019/05/the-enmeshed-family-system-what-it-is-and-how-to-break-free#What-causes-enmeshment?

In the unique All Points North (APN) podcast episode, Families Do Recover: Recovery x APN, podcast co-host and APN alumni, Dan, and his family members openly discuss how Dan’s addiction and recovery process have affected them. At the same time, they shed light on the things they’ve learned along the way that made their family more resilient in the face of adversity. To learn more about their story, check out the podcast or continue reading the article below.

How Addiction Affects Loved Ones

In his individual APN podcast episode, Addiction Helped Me Cope Until It Didn’t: Recovery x Dan, Dan shared his personal story with addiction and recovery at APN. However, in his family episode, Families Do Recover: Recovery x APN, Dan goes even deeper into how this affected his loved ones.

“As hard as it is for the individual that is suffering [with addiction], it’s probably equally as hard for the family members,” Dan said. “I think the message that family members or significant others provide is just as powerful as mine because although it’s kind of like the same journey, we both have different paths of getting there and we both have different experiences. Yours wasn’t necessarily an active addiction, but you were just as a part of it as I was.”

Dan’s sister, Perry, also opened up about how her brother’s addiction affected her.

“It’s a tough spot to be in because, on one hand, you can sense that the other person is not themselves. You know they’re struggling – going through something – and you want to be protective of them,” Perry said. “So you want to almost tell yourself it’s not really happening and defend them publicly … or make excuses for them … On the other hand, you want what’s best for them. You want them to be healthy. You also want to figure out a way to help them get out of it and you don’t have all the answers … it was a difficult spot to be in, so it was day-by-day. It was very tricky and very uncomfortable and then at other times I wanted to be really selfish and close my eyes and just not deal with it.”

Dan shares from his perspective how he felt about his sister’s reaction while in active addiction versus in recovery.

“I always thought, like, I’m putting the pills in my mouth. I’m doing it to my body. I’m harming myself. I’m not harming you,” Dan said. “I never thought about it as if, God forbid, I were to overdose and die, they had to live with a brother that passed away. Right? So I can only imagine how difficult it was to help someone [like that].”

“I think it started as just fear [of] you not being here one day,” Perry said. “But also, when it got to, like, your worst point, I had a baby and it became a different concern. I started getting angry with your selfishness because I was like, I have a kid around who can get harmed by you accidentally dropping a pill on the floor or, God forbid, setting the house on fire because you’re just not in a sober mindset or whatever … So then it became anger and resentment, whereas it started as fear and worry.”

Surrendering Control

For Dan’s mother, it was a completely different experience.

“It was a very sad and trying time,” said Debbie, Dan’s mother. “It was a time where I would have liked to be in control of a situation and I couldn’t. I couldn’t no matter what I did. … So not only was I sad, but I walked around with extreme high anxiety over what could happen. What would happen if I couldn’t do it? Who was going to do it? — Not realizing that the only person that could do it is you,” Debbie said.

In fact, it was only when Debbie finally relinquished control that Dan was able to surrender to sobriety.

“Your surrender, more or less, was when you were in the hospital and you were there by yourself,” Debbie said. “When they told me everything was going to be okay, I looked at Daddy and I said to him, ‘We’re out of here.’ I was so angry … So me being angry … allowed you to see a little different me because I wasn’t sitting there and saying, ‘What can I do for you? How can I help you? Let’s do it this way.’ I just left you there and … allowed you to have your deep feelings and your thinking and without anybody there.”

Dan’s sister also had an interesting perspective to share on how her brother’s choice to seek treatment affected her.

“[When Dan finally surrendered to his addiction, I felt] extremely relieved,” Perry said. “But at the same time, equally scared. Because I was like, you have to want it. And I can’t force you to want it. It seems like you want it. I hope you want it. And I hope it sticks.”

Family Pride – Sharing Joy in the Victory of Sobriety

Just as Dan previously highlighted, addiction is something that affects more than just the addicted. So does sobriety.

“[When you finally took the steps to get sober], it was a breath of fresh air for me,” Debbie said. “I couldn’t be more proud … it’s not just me that’s proud of you. Your entire family is … the old Daniel—that’s what we’ve been missing for a while. And now we have our old Daniel back.”

Dan’s mother isn’t the only one celebrating the victories of his sobriety.

“I’m unbelievably proud and just so happy that you have found an inner peace and a purpose,” Perry said. “You have a different outlook on life and I think you take it day by day. You’re able to be more vulnerable and open yourself up to situations but also be honest with your boundaries … I know that you’re on your journey and doing your best every day, which is all anyone could ask of you or anybody else.”

Family Therapy at All Points North

While it all might sound too good to be true, the happy Brody family that opened up on Recovery x APN didn’t get to where they were without a lot of hard work. For them, APN played a huge role in their overall healing process.

“[Family therapy at APN] changed my life,” Debbie said. “Lori, [our APN therapist], was able to say to me [what] no one has ever said to me before: ‘I know exactly what you’re going through. I went through it. I still go through it with my daughter. Some days are just going to be great and sometimes it won’t be, but I’m telling you you’re not in this alone. You’re not the only one.’ And she explained it in a way where I used to come off those phone calls [feeling] relieved that you were in a place where they were taking care of you … she got us all to be able to say what we wanted to say to you because … up until then were afraid of saying it.”

Dan’s sister, Perry, also spoke about how working with APN impacted their family.

“I think that you had really great people around you who educated you and therefore you’ve educated a lot of us,” Perry said. “We did some therapy during the beginning of your recovery and I think we all got a different perspective on how to support you. I think those tools have remained in place. So I think it’s helped our dynamic, especially because you’re sober and we’re all happy and able to enjoy you sober.”

The Brody family is able to highlight the importance of seeking help when needed, not just for the individuals struggling with addiction, but for their loved ones as well.

“I could see how [APN] structures their programming and how they think about their clients’ recovery and how invested they are in it,” Perry said. “[Especially] how they help educate and bring in other family members to help make them successful—I hugely commend them for that … You just don’t know what’s the right way, what’s the right thing to say, and how to handle it. I just feel like we all got the right messaging and toolkit. Like, you want a toolkit in these situations. You want someone to be like, “Here’s how I recommend you handle this situation.’”

The Stigma of Addiction and Typical Family Coping Mechanisms

In processing the podcast episode with his colleagues, Dan opens up on his views regarding the stigma of addiction and how that can affect family dynamics.

“It’s very easy – especially with the stigma of drug addiction or alcoholism – if you have a family member that’s going through it, for you to wipe your hands with it and not be there because of the stigma of it,” Dan said. “In my experience, my family didn’t do that. They were going through a lot of things and frustrated with me and there was fear involved. There’s a lot of things that could have caused them to say like, ‘Go figure it out. We’re gonna go to sleep, and hope you’re there tomorrow.’ But, they didn’t.”

Still, Dan knows that’s not the case for everyone.

“Looking back on it and hearing other people’s stories, it’s funny,” Dan said. “Because when I share in the rooms, I had to get comfortable in sharing that I come from a comfortable background and I have a supporting family because half the stories you hear, they don’t have that … I just like feel there’s guilt associated with that because I had these things that other people didn’t have.”

The reality is, if more people had a family like Dan’s, more people would probably get sober sooner.

“It’s a unique balancing act because you wanna be there to support but you don’t want to push them away too. So, you know, I give my family credit … they were a huge part and still are a huge part in my recovery,” Dan said.

Brody Family’s Advice to Individuals With a Loved One Struggling With Addiction

Because the Brody family has unique experience with multiple members recovering from addiction with a collective 40 years of sobriety, they have some interesting insight to offer others who may be facing similar challenges.

“The only advice I could offer is you just love your loved one the most you can and you do the best that you can because you’re not in control of it,” Debbie said. “The only way they’re going to get better is if they choose to do something with it. I remember not wanting to hear that because I really thought I [could] do it. You cannot do it. You cannot do it unless that person is willing to do it. And once that person is willing, the road opens up.”

Dan’s sister offered the following advice.

“Do your best not to be offended or take things personally,” Perry said. “You have to be able to say to yourself over and over again: They’re someone else. Like, this is somebody else. This is not the brother that you know. This is not about you … I think my most successful moments [came from understanding it was] not personal.”

Healing Through Open Communication

Just 18 months sober at the time of filming, Dan and his family were able to have some pretty healing conversations throughout the Brody family podcast episode.

“It was a little nerve-wracking for me, but I’m so appreciative [and believe] it made us even stronger,” Dan said. “I think communication is key. [And it was good for me to hear my family was angry with me]. People are allowed to get angry … as long as they communicate it properly … it makes the family stronger to be able to communicate those things … [Without my family’s support], I wouldn’t be sitting here today.”

It certainly takes a lot of courage to not only have these conversations in the first place, but also to publicize them. Dan, however, highlights the benefit of this type of discussion.

“I think what’s unique about this episode is so many people have similar scenarios where like a sibling [or child or spouse is in] active addiction or struggling with mental health and they’re unsure what to do or they don’t feel like anyone is relatable,” Dan said. “To let everyone know like my mom’s husband and two sons are on this journey and it’s okay. There are solutions and there’s plenty of help to get there. You don’t have to do this alone. I think it helps others. At APN, we do a great job with family services and I think some people are hesitant to rebuild relationships, but it does get better. You just need to ask for help and see there are people out there that can provide that support.”

If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how recovery can positively impact both yourself and your relationships until you begin that healing journey.

More From the Brody Family

Listen and watch the Brody family’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.

He was a battle-scarred combat veteran who fought in Afghanistan and was now fighting an invisible battle with his own mind. He didn’t like to talk much about either of these but would timidly share he struggled with PTSD and had sustained a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). He was used to figuring things out for himself and wanted to rescue and train his own service dog.

The service dog candidate was a large German Shepherd adopted from a house where he received little to no training. The dog was friendly and eager to learn, but in reality, he was dealing with just as many mental health challenges as his owner. My job as a dog trainer was to do something – anything – to get that German Shepherd to calm down and be more obedient. The owner was committed, and the dog responded well to training, but the reality is that the dog would never fully become a service dog for many reasons. The dog enjoyed having a job and following commands, but his natural anxiety and restlessness would always get in its way. It was almost like he wanted to listen to his owner, but his brain would not stop spinning.

Still, the two of them made a good pair, and the dog’s owner put in hours and hours of work following my recommendations. Months later, the owner showed up at my dog training studio wearing his full military attire and a big smile, saying how well his dog behaved during a Veterans Day event they attended together that day.

Although I may have hung up my dog trainer leash years ago, I still often think about the soldier and his dog. This was one of many cases I dealt with in my “past life” as a professional dog trainer. All too often, people would walk through my doors with a dog they had chosen to be their service dog and inquire about training. And I had to tell them they should have come to me well before bringing their new dog home.

Here’s the deal – there is no doubt that dogs can genuinely help humans struggling with various physical and mental disabilities. But if you have anxiety, PTSD, or another debilitating mental health issue and are considering getting a dog to act as your service dog or emotional support animal, it is strongly recommended that you do a lot of research and seek the help of a professional even before heading to the dog shelter, breeder or pet store. In this post, I decided to share some of my experiences and insights that can benefit someone considering getting a dog for assistance. We will first dive into the differences between a service dog, an emotional support dog, and a therapy dog and discuss whether these types of dogs could benefit your situation – and mistakes to avoid along the way.

What are the differences between a service dog, a therapy dog, and an emotional support dog?

The first important aspect to remember is that the terms service dog, emotional support dog, and therapy dog are not interchangeable and refer to very different canine jobs.

Service Dogs

Service dogs are specially trained to perform tasks that assist individuals with disabilities. These disabilities can be physical, sensory, psychiatric, intellectual, or other mental disabilities. The primary purpose of a service dog is to mitigate the handler’s disability by performing specific tasks that the individual cannot perform independently. Service dogs undergo rigorous and specialized training, often from a young age. The training process can take months to years, depending on the tasks they must perform and the complexity of the handler’s disability. Common types of service dogs include:

• Guide Dogs: Assist visually impaired individuals by navigating around obstacles and ensuring safe travel
• Hearing Dogs: Alert deaf or hard-of-hearing individuals to important sounds such as doorbells, alarms, or a crying baby
• Mobility Assistance Dogs: Help individuals with physical disabilities by retrieving objects, opening doors, or providing balance support
• Medical Alert Dogs: Detect changes in their handler’s condition, such as blood sugar levels for diabetics or impending seizures for those with epilepsy. They can alert their handler or a family member and retrieve medication.
• Psychiatric Service Dogs: Assist individuals with psychiatric disorders by interrupting self-harm behaviors, providing grounding during anxiety attacks, or reminding them to take medication.

Under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), service dogs are granted significant legal protections. They can accompany their handlers in nearly all public places, including restaurants, stores, and public transportation.

Business owners and employees are generally only permitted to ask two questions to determine if a dog is a service animal:

1. Is the dog required because of a disability?
2. What work or task has the dog been trained to perform?

For example, a guide dog can help his visually impaired handler navigate her daily environment safely. The dog assists the handler in crossing streets, avoiding obstacles, and finding specific locations, such as the handler’s favorite coffee shop or the entrance to her office building. A psychiatric service dog can help his owner with PTSD navigate public spaces and physically block people from approaching its handler from behind. The dog can also assist the owner during panic attacks.

Emotional Support Dogs

In contrast, emotional support dogs (ESDs) provide comfort and support to individuals with emotional or mental health conditions. ESDs are not service dogs and are not trained to perform specific tasks related to a disability. Instead, their mere presence is said to offer therapeutic benefits that alleviate symptoms of conditions like anxiety, depression, or PTSD.

Most ESDs do not undergo any type of specialized training to perform tasks. Unfortunately, many ESDs lack basic obedience training and do not behave appropriately in public settings where only service dogs are allowed.

Legal protections for ESDs are more limited than those for service dogs. Under the Fair Housing Act (FHA), individuals with emotional support animals can live with their pets in housing units that otherwise have no-pet policies. Additionally, the Air Carrier Access Act (ACAA) previously allowed ESDs to accompany their handlers in the cabin of an airplane, but recent updates now treat ESDs as pets rather than service animals. Unlike service dogs, ESDs do not have the right to enter most public places that do not allow pets, and businesses can refuse to allow an ESD and its handler to enter or remain on their premises without suffering any legal repercussions.

Therapy Dogs

Finally, therapy dogs are trained to provide affection, comfort, and support to other people in a variety of settings, such as hospitals, nursing homes, schools, and disaster areas. They are often part of animal-assisted therapy programs and work with a handler to improve the well-being of individuals who benefit from interacting with a friendly, gentle dog.

The key difference between a service dog and a therapy dog is that a service dog performs tasks to benefit its handler, while a therapy dog performs tasks to benefit other people, such as patients in a children’s hospital or victims testifying in a courtroom.

Therapy dogs undergo training to ensure they are well-behaved and comfortable in different environments and situations. They must be social, friendly, and responsive to commands. While they do not perform specific tasks to assist those with disabilities, their role is to provide therapeutic interactions that can enhance the emotional and psychological health of those they visit.

Therapy dogs do not have the same legal protections as service dogs and emotional support dogs. They are only allowed in facilities where they have been invited as part of a therapy program. They do not have public access rights under the ADA or receive special accommodations under the FHA or ACAA.

How Do You Know if a Dog is Right for You?

Okay, so now that you know the difference between the three types of assistance dogs, you need to ask yourself what kind of dog you need. Do you have a specific disability that could be mitigated by a highly-trained service dog, or do you just feel better when your dog is around and would like to bring your pup with you everywhere? Or do you want to make others happy and train your pup as a therapy dog?

Step 1: Talk to Your Therapist

If you don’t have a dog at home yet, your first step should be to consult at least two professionals – your therapist or mental health provider and an experienced dog trainer or service dog organization. Speaking with your mental health provider is incredibly important so you can make an informed decision about whether your condition could be improved by a service dog or ESD, what type of tasks this dog would need to perform, and how you would feel about being responsible for another living thing and investing time and money to provide everything the dog will need to thrive, including extensive training and regular veterinary care.

Step 2: Talk to a Dog Trainer

Consulting with a canine specialist—such as a dog trainer—can help you get a clear picture of what it will take (and how much it will cost) to acquire a fully trained service dog or raise and train your dog. Another key aspect a professional can help you with is selecting the right canine for the job, which is the most important step.

All dogs can be perfect companions, bringing happiness to our lives just by being themselves, but being a service dog requires the right combination of skills, temperament, and years of professional training starting from the time they are puppies. A service dog’s job is demanding and requires certain personality and temperament traits. I compare a service dog’s job to that of a fighter pilot – only a select few of us can do it. In fact, the harsh reality is that the vast majority of dogs do not have what it takes to be a service dog, just like being a fighter pilot is not a job anyone can do.

Dogs also suffer from anxiety, OCD, and many other mental health issues, just like humans. A dog that struggles with mental health issues will oftentimes only aggravate your own mental health challenges and make it a vicious circle – an anxious dog feeds from his anxious owner’s energy and develops unwanted behaviors that only make the owner more anxious.

Other underlying issues, such as phobias or aggression, may also surface later—usually a few weeks after bringing your new dog home. In most cases, an aggressive dog is an extremely fearful one who has learned to use its teeth to make scary things go away. A service dog or ESD cannot be aggressive toward other dogs, animals, or humans under any circumstance.

So, think about it—when you walk into a shelter or pet store to pick a pup, hoping that this could be your service dog, you are just bringing home a mystery box. You don’t know if that dog is mentally equipped to do the job or how it will respond to training. Their background is unknown, their temperament and personality are unclear, and there is no way to know if that dog will turn out to be fearful or aggressive. You can do yourself a favor and talk to a canine professional long before you start looking for a dog. This will better equip you with professional advice and resources to make the right choice.

Get Mental Health Care from All Points North

Remember, a service dog cannot replace the care and treatment you need to receive from a qualified human professional. If you need help treating or managing a disabling mental health condition such as anxiety, OCD, or depression, reach out to All Points North. Our team of highly skilled mental health professionals can help you with a holistic plan that includes therapy and cutting-edge treatments to help you regain control of your life. Learn more about how our treatment plans can help you regain control of your life by calling 855.934.1178 or filling out our confidential contact form.

Codependency is a complex and often misunderstood psychological condition that can affect different types of relationships, leading to unhealthy dynamics and emotional distress over time. Therefore, understanding codependency, recognizing its signs, and knowing how to address it are crucial steps toward fostering healthier relationships and personal growth. If you’re not sure whether or not you’re in a codependent relationship, continue reading to find out more about the signs and symptoms and how to seek help.

Defining Codependency

Codependency is a behavioral condition where one person enables another’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. This condition is characterized by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, friend, or family member, often to the detriment of one’s own needs and well-being. The term originated from the context of addiction, where one person supports or enables another’s addictive behavior, but it has since expanded to describe a broader range of unhealthy relational dynamics.

Reasons Why Codependency Manifests

There are many reasons why people develop codependent behaviors. Below are some of the most common.

Unhealthy Childhood Attachments

Many codependent behaviors stem from childhood experiences. Children who grow up in environments where their emotional needs are not met, or where they are required to care for emotionally or physically unavailable parents, often develop codependent traits. They learn to prioritize others’ needs over their own, believing that love and approval are contingent upon their ability to care for and please others.

Trauma and Abuse

Individuals who have experienced trauma or abuse may develop codependent behaviors as coping mechanisms. They may seek to control their environment and relationships to feel safe, often by trying to fix or manage others’ behaviors and emotions.

Cultural and Societal Influences

Societal norms and cultural expectations can also contribute to codependency. For instance, some cultures emphasize self-sacrifice and caregiving as ideal traits, especially for women, which can reinforce codependent behaviors.

Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

People with low self-esteem or a poor sense of self-worth may rely on others for validation and a sense of identity. They may feel incomplete or inadequate without someone to care for or without being needed by others.

Types of Codependent Relationships

Codependency can manifest in various types of relationships, each with its own unique dynamics. Below are some of the most frequent types of relationships in which codependent components appear.

Spousal Relationships

In marriages or romantic partnerships, codependency often involves one partner consistently sacrificing their own needs and well-being to support or enable the other’s destructive behaviors. This can lead to an imbalance of power and chronic dissatisfaction.

Friendships

Codependent friendships are marked by one friend always taking on the role of the caretaker or rescuer, often neglecting their own needs and boundaries. This dynamic can lead to resentment and burnout.

Family Members

Codependency within families can involve parents and children, siblings, or extended family members. For example, an adult child may feel responsible for an ailing parent’s emotional stability, or siblings might develop a caretaker dynamic due to parental neglect.

How Codependency Hinders Personal Growth

Codependency can significantly hinder personal growth in several ways.

Loss of Identity

Codependent individuals often lose sight of their own needs, desires, and identity. They become so focused on others that they neglect their own personal development and aspirations.

Emotional Exhaustion

Constantly attending to others’ needs and problems can lead to emotional and physical exhaustion. This can result in stress, anxiety, and depression, further impeding personal growth.

Impaired Decision-Making

The need to please others and avoid conflict can impair one’s ability to make independent decisions. Codependent individuals may struggle to assert their own opinions and make choices that are in their best interest.

Stunted Personal Development

By continually prioritizing others, codependent individuals miss opportunities for self-discovery and personal achievement. This can prevent them from reaching their full potential.

Identifying Codependency

Recognizing codependent behaviors is the first step toward addressing them. Some common signs include those listed below.

Difficulty Saying No

A persistent inability to refuse others’ requests, even when they are unreasonable or detrimental to one’s own well-being, may be a sign of codependency.

Need for Approval

A constant need for validation and approval from others to feel worthy or valued could indicate that one might be codependent.

Excessive Caretaking

An overwhelming urge to care for others, often to the point of neglecting one’s own needs, is a classic example of codependent behavior.

Fear of Abandonment

An intense fear of being alone or abandoned, leading to clingy or controlling behaviors, could demonstrate codependency.

Poor Boundaries

Difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, resulting in others taking advantage of one’s kindness or generosity, is a possible symptom of codependency.

Low Self-Esteem

A poor self-image and a lack of confidence in one’s own abilities and worth could be linked to codependency.

Strategies to Overcome Codependency

Overcoming codependency involves breaking old patterns and developing healthier relational dynamics. While that’s easier said than done, we’ve identified some strategies to help get you started.

Self-Awareness

Cultivate self-awareness by reflecting on your behaviors and emotional patterns. Journaling, mindfulness practices, and therapy can help you gain insight into your codependent tendencies.

Establish Boundaries

Learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries. This means knowing your limits and communicating them clearly to others. Practice saying no without feeling guilty.

Prioritize Self-Care

Make self-care a priority. Engage in activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This can include exercise, hobbies, meditation, or simply taking time to relax.

Build Self-Esteem

Work on building your self-esteem and self-worth. Recognize your achievements and strengths, and practice self-compassion. Therapy and self-help resources can be beneficial in this process.

Develop Healthy Relationships

Foster relationships that are balanced and reciprocal. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and support your personal growth.

Seek Professional Help

Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in overcoming codependency. A therapist can help you understand the root causes of your behaviors, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and provide support as you make changes.

Taking Steps to Get Support

If you recognize signs of codependency in your relationships, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Therapists and counselors can offer invaluable support and guidance.

Find a Therapist

Look for a licensed therapist who specializes in codependency, relationship issues, or trauma. Here at All Points North, we work with a variety of therapists who know how to navigate you through the challenges of codependency and help facilitate a holistic approach to mental wellness.

Join Support Groups

Support groups, such as Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), provide a safe space to share experiences and learn from others facing similar challenges.

Explore Mental Health Services

There are many different traditional and complementary mental health services that can help you unlock and overcome core issues that are available today. Some of these services may include deep TMS, neurofeedback, stellate ganglion block, hyperbaric oxygen therapy, ketamine treatment, and more. We offer both traditional and alternative mental health services aimed at targeting the root cause of mental illness and distress. Additionally, we accept a variety of insurance policies to make our offerings as accessible as possible.

Educate Yourself

Read books and articles on codependency to better understand the condition and learn effective strategies for overcoming it. Knowledge is a powerful tool in the journey to recovery. Below are some highly-reviewed books on the topic:

• “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” by Melody Beattie
• “Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives” by Pia Mellody
• “The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency” by Melody Beattie
• “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
• “The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle” by Krystal Mazzola

Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself as you work through these challenges. Overcoming codependency is a process that takes time and effort, and it’s important to acknowledge your progress and setbacks with compassion.

Overcoming Codependency

Codependency can significantly impact your relationships and personal well-being, but it is possible to overcome it with awareness, effort, and support. Recognizing the signs of codependency, understanding its root causes, and implementing strategies to address it can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships and personal growth.

Remember, seeking help from a therapist or mental health professional is a courageous and vital step toward healing and creating the life you deserve. If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today.

References

• “10 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship, and What to Do about It.” Cleveland Clinic, Cleveland Clinic, 3 May 2024, health.clevelandclinic.org/codependent-relationship-signs.
• “10 Ways Codependency Presents in Families.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202309/10-ways-codependency-presents-in-families. Accessed 22 June 2024.
• “Anxiety.” MedlinePlus, U.S. National Library of Medicine, medlineplus.gov/anxiety.html#:~:text=Anxiety%20is%20a%20feeling%20of,before%20making%20an%20important%20decision. Accessed 22 June 2024.
• “Co-Dependency.” Mental Health America, www.mhanational.org/co-dependency. Accessed 22 June 2024.
• Cherry, Kendra. “How Do Individualistic Cultures Influence Behavior?” Verywell Mind, Verywell Mind, 10 Mar. 2023, www.verywellmind.com/what-are-individualistic-cultures-2795273#:~:text=In%20an%20individualistic%20culture%2C%20people,others%20are%20of%20greater%20importance.
• “Depression.” National Institute of Mental Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression. Accessed 22 June 2024.
• Jacobsen, Jenni. “What Is Codependency – Causes, Signs & Treatment.” Marriage Advice – Expert Marriage Tips & Advice, Marriage.com, 22 Oct. 2022, www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/what-is-codependency/.
• Parneet Pal, Carley Hauck. “5 Simple Mindfulness Practices for Daily Life.” Mindful, 6 Dec. 2023, www.mindful.org/take-a-mindful-moment-5-simple-practices-for-daily-life/.
• “Self-Care.” Active Minds, 31 May 2023, www.activeminds.org/about-mental-health/self-care/.
• Sosnoski, Karen. “Codependency and Childhood Trauma: Is There a Link?” Psych Central, Psych Central, 30 Sept. 2021, psychcentral.com/lib/trauma-and-codependency.
• Smith, Melinda. “Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships.” HelpGuide.Org, 5 Feb. 2024, www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm.

Psychologists have studied the link between people-pleasing and depression for quite a while, and there are several reasons why a pattern of pleasing others can pose challenges to your mental health.

Science Connects People-Pleasing and Depression

The connection between people-pleasing and depression extends far back into the history of psychology. Dr. Aaron T. Beck, the inventor of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, believed that two primary factors led to people developing depression: people-pleasing and a high sense of autonomy.

Beck and his colleagues used the term sociotropy to refer to people-pleasing. Sociotropy can be broken down into two components: reference to affiliation and fear of criticism and rejection.

Similarly, autonomy involves two components: independent goal attainment and sensitivity to others’ control.

Preference for affiliation and independent goal attainment alone aren’t indicative of depression. But when people fear criticism and rejection and have high sensitivity to other people’s control, they are at significantly higher risk of developing a depressive disorder.

These traits can show up in life in several different ways, leading to several obstacles that amplify or cause the symptoms of depression.

How People-Pleasing Leads to Depression

People-pleasers are the individuals who are always going to say yes. You can rely on them for a favor at any hour of the day, they’re always ready to take on extra work and responsibilities, and they go to great lengths to ensure the happiness and comfort of those around them.

While these may seem like positive traits, the constant pouring out of yourself for others can rapidly take a toll. People-pleasing can lead to a host of negative consequences, often manifesting as depression in due time.

Resentment

When you’re a people-pleaser, holding boundaries or turning down requests from loved ones and colleagues can be challenging. Not being able to say no can quickly cause you to take on too much at work, have too many responsibilities in the household, and even get involved in social obligations you don’t genuinely want to participate in.

Part of people-pleasing requires concealing your true emotions to avoid disappointing others. Instead of communicating feelings like frustration or resentment, people-pleasers hold these feelings inside and put on a happy face while tackling the innumerable tasks they’ve agreed to.

However, this doesn’t mean that resentment and frustration don’t happen. When your boss gives you a new assignment at the very end of the day, you may accept the new work, but inside, you might think, “I’ve done everything already and was looking forward to going home. Why don’t they recognize the efforts I’ve put in and how much I’ve accomplished?”

Still, people-pleasers will rarely refuse their boss’ request because they may fear criticism and are highly attuned to other people’s emotions and needs. That fear of criticism may drive them to say yes, but they end up resenting their boss for giving them the work – and resenting themselves for accepting it.

Self-Neglect

People-pleasers concern themselves with others first, and caring for themselves comes last. Whether it’s making sure your boss is happy, being there for your friends, or taking care of your children, the tasks of a people-pleaser can take up so much time as to leave little room for your own needs and desires.

This self-neglect can be particularly damaging to mental health. Self-care has long been touted as an essential component of living a balanced and healthy lifestyle and plays a critical role in preventing the onset of mental health challenges.

It’s important to recognize that people-pleasers don’t just take care of others; they take care of others at the expense of themselves.

Chronic Stress

Stress is an unavoidable part of everyday life, and mild stress isn’t necessarily harmful. But chronic stress, or stress that never goes away or continues to grow can be incredibly damaging to both your physical and mental health.

Among countless other negative consequences, chronic stress has been linked to:

• Sleep difficulties
• Unexpected weight changes
• Lowered immune response
• Heart disease
• Digestive issues
• Cancer risk
• Anxiety disorders
• Depressive disorders
• Substance issues

People-pleasers are highly likely to experience chronic stress, often due to their inability to say no and willingness to push past their limits to please friends, family, or coworkers.

Burnout

Burnout is a common phenomenon, with over 40% of people worldwide reporting feeling like they are unable to manage stress and pressure in the workplace.

Burnout is a unique mental health challenge, though it shares many symptoms with depression. Burnout refers to a general feeling of exhaustion and disconnection associated with the workplace. And while the cause of burnout is typically your job, the effects of burnout can quickly seep into the rest of your life.

People-pleasers put themselves at higher risk of burnout because of their fear of criticism and tendency to take on every request their boss or coworkers place upon them. If you’re a people-pleaser, you might quickly exceed your mental and physical limits and feel like you’re running on empty in the workplace.

Depression

All of the different factors above can contribute to the development of depression. There is no single cause of depression, but burnout, stress, neglect, and resentment can all contribute to a situation that leaves people feeling the telltale signs of depression.

When a person develops depression, it can affect nearly every aspect of their life. Experiencing depression not only means dealing with internal mental health symptoms but also facing problems in your social life, at work, and even in your physical health.

Some of the most common signs of depression include:

• Sleeping too much or too little
• A feeling of hopelessness
• Chronic fatigue
• Unexpected weight changes
• Recurrent thoughts of suicide or death
• Irritation or angry outbursts
• Feelings of guilt or worthlessness
• Trouble focusing
• Loss of interest in hobbies or activities

If you are feeling several of these symptoms, and they don’t resolve within a couple of days, it might be time to seek out the help of a mental health professional. Depression is a highly treatable condition, with dozens of evidence-based therapy options available to help you achieve recovery.

Strategies to Stop People-Pleasing

Once you recognize the connection between people-pleasing and depression, you may want to take steps to rectify people-pleasing behavior before you develop a more serious mental health condition. You can take a few simple steps to help you break these negative patterns and keep you feeling your best.

Learn to Set Boundaries

Learning to set healthy boundaries is the most essential tool for people-pleasers. Setting boundaries means learning to say no skillfully to protect your emotional, physical, and mental limits.

Setting boundaries could mean telling someone you’re uncomfortable hugging them and offering a handshake instead. Or, it could mean telling your boss that you have a full workload already and can’t take on another assignment. Similarly, it could be telling your coworkers you’re unavailable during non-work hours.

Learning to set boundaries can take extended practice and effort. But once you’re comfortable with saying no skillfully, you may find that you have more time to focus on yourself and your needs.

Make Time for Yourself

Another way to help avoid people-pleasing is to dedicate time to yourself. This could be making an appointment at a spa, setting aside time for the gym, or even just blocking off an hour or two to yourself at home. Protecting this time and not letting others infringe upon it is essential; make your “you time” a priority.

Spending this time doing things for yourself can also be helpful. Many people with people-pleasing tendencies find that they only do things for other people. Such tasks may include:

• Cleaning the house because guests are coming over
• Wearing makeup so other people find them attractive
• Taking on extra work so their boss is pleased
• Making dinner for their partner

Try to rebalance your efforts by doing something just for yourself. Read a book that only you would enjoy, or make a dinner tailored to your tastes. These simple actions can help restore your sense of self and alleviate the neglect often experienced by people-pleasers.

Get Professional Help

If you can’t seem to break free from these patterns on your own, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for help. Individual or group therapy options can help you understand the root cause of your people-pleasing and provide actionable strategies to help you break free and work toward a better balance in the future.

And if you’re experiencing both people-pleasing and depression, there are a number of evidence-based treatment methods to help you overcome both problems simultaneously.

How to Treat People-Pleasing and Depression

The most common treatments for people-pleasing and depression fall along one of two lines: talk therapy approaches or medication management. There are several therapeutic modalities and medication options that can help with these challenges. These options are designed to help you overcome your symptoms and get back to living a healthier and better life in recovery.

But as effective as these strategies are, they don’t always work for everyone. Yet there is still hope; at All Points North, we use cutting-edge technologies and innovative treatment methods to help people break free from depression and people-pleasing, even if they’ve tried therapy or medication without success.

Some of the exciting new treatment methods offered at APN include:

• Ketamine-assisted healing
• Deep transcranial magnetic stimulation
• Stellate ganglion blocks

In addition to these exciting treatments, our team emphasizes holistic health and well-being through several wellness activities and self-care options. From fitness training to trauma therapy, our comprehensive continuum of care has everything you need to reach a lasting and worthwhile recovery.

Turn to the Dedicated Team at APN Lodge Today

People-pleasing and depression can be incredibly difficult to break free from. But with the help of a multidisciplinary team of trained professionals at APN Lodge, you can find the tools and treatments you need to overcome your symptoms once and for all.

Ready to get started on the path to recovery? Our mental health experts can guide you toward the best treatment options for your needs. Call our experienced team at 855.934.1178, reach out through our confidential online contact form, or use the live chat function on our website to speak to one of our dedicated representatives today.

References

• Bieling, P.J., Beck, A.T. & Brown, G.K. The Sociotropy–Autonomy Scale: Structure and Implications. Cognitive Therapy and Research 24, 763–780 (2000). https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1005599714224
• Smith, Morgan. “Burnout Is on the Rise Worldwide—and Gen Z, Young Millennials and Women Are the Most Stressed.” CNBC Make It, CNBC, 14 Mar. 2023, www.cnbc.com/2023/03/14/burnout-is-on-the-rise-gen-z-millennials-and-women-are-the-most-stressed.html.

Understand What Couples Therapy Can and Can’t Do

The first step you need to prepare for couples therapy is to understand what couples counseling can and cannot do. Meeting with a couples therapist can go a long way toward helping you and your partner overcome relationship challenges, but your therapist alone cannot “fix” a damaged relationship.

The power to change the relationship comes from you and your partner. Your therapist is there to provide a safe and productive space for each of you to share about your interpersonal challenges, help both of you expand your thinking, and facilitate the healing process.

Of course, a therapist has an abundance of tools to help this process along. But they cannot force someone to change who isn’t willing to. In order to get the most out of couples therapy, it is critical that both you and your partner are entering therapy prepared to do the work, be open and honest, and listen to feedback.

While the power to heal a relationship comes from the couple themselves, this doesn’t necessarily mean a couple will be able to recover from interpersonal challenges without a therapist.

Your couples therapist still has the tools, training, and experience to help guide you through the process. But you shouldn’t expect that your therapist can simply fix the problem without putting in the effort yourself.

Choose the Right Therapist

One of the most critical elements of any talk therapy approach is finding the therapist that is right for you and your relationship. Finding the right therapist can sometimes be a bit of a process, and it depends on both your therapist’s qualifications and the way you perceive your therapist to be the right fit for your needs.

Qualifications

The first step to finding the right couples therapist is making sure they have the education, training, and experience required to help you and your partner through relationship challenges. There are a few key things you can look for to ensure these qualifications are in place.

The first is credentials. Look for letters behind their names, such as LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist), LPC (licensed professional counselor), or PhD or PsyD (psychologist).

You should also look for experience. All licensed therapists have thousands of hours of clinical experience as a prerequisite, but you can further inquire about specific experiences with your relationship challenges.

Finally, look up reviews. It can often be beneficial to read online reviews or seek out specific recommendations in finding a couples therapist to ensure they provide quality care.

These three components serve as a baseline for finding a capable and effective couples therapist, but these alone typically aren’t enough to determine whether they are the right fit for you.

Determining Fit

“Fit” refers to how well you and your partner get along with the therapist and how confident you are in their ability to help. Determining fit is a much more subjective process than finding a therapist’s qualifications, and it can sometimes take a few sessions to determine whether they are the right counselor for your needs.

The best way to determine a good fit between you and your couples therapists is to schedule an initial consultation. This provides a space for you and your partner to meet with your therapist, explain the overarching problems you are facing in your relationship, and determine whether you and your partner believe this therapist can help.

It can often be beneficial to schedule multiple consultations before deciding on a therapist. Fit is frequently described as a gut feeling rather than an intellectual process. You want your therapist to make you feel comfortable, provide confidence, and show that they are committed to helping your relationship improve.

This is often a bit more complicated in couples therapy than in individual therapy, as a couples therapist needs to be a good fit for both you and your partner. A good couples therapist shouldn’t take sides, should let both clients feel heard and understood, and encourage growth in both partners.

Set Goals Before Each Session

You should make goals to prepare for couples therapy. Before ever meeting a therapist, set goals for what you hope to achieve in couples therapy, and set smaller goals for each individual session you attend.

Having these goals in mind ensures that you, your partner, and your therapist are all working toward the same ends and that you don’t feel like your time in couples therapy is being wasted.

As the old saying goes, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Beginning couples therapy without a clear sense of direction can mean that you don’t focus your time on the issues and challenges that have the greatest impact on your relationship and life.

The first step in setting a goal for therapy is identifying the problem. You don’t want to be caught off guard when your therapist asks, “What is it you’re hoping to work on?” While you may be experiencing a number of relationship challenges, people typically come to couples therapy to deal with issues like:

• Poor communication
• Lack of intimacy
• Resolving conflicts
• Identifying shared values
• Making each other a priority
• Breakdown of trust
• Working through infidelity

With the problems identified, you can create an overarching goal for couples therapy. For example, your goal might be to restore intimacy or trust. But these are broad, sweeping goals and typically can’t be resolved in a single therapy session.

In addition to this larger goal, make small goals for each therapy session. For example, if you struggle with communication, your goal might be to find new ways to communicate effectively together.

If you’re having trouble with these goals, your therapist will certainly be able to help.

Reflect on You and Your Partner’s Strengths and Weaknesses

Knowing your and your partner’s strengths and weaknesses can be crucial to getting effective mental health support and will help you prepare for couples therapy. For example, you may be the more extroverted and talkative individual in the relationship, while your partner may be more introverted and reserved.

There is almost always this type of personality imbalance in couples therapy. When it occurs, it is vital that it is recognized and addressed by both the clients and the therapist.

An extroverted individual in couples therapy may need to tone down their extroverted nature in order to let their partner have space to share about their own challenges. Similarly, a more reserved individual may need to work a little harder to open up in the therapy session.

But this is just one example of a difference of strengths and weaknesses in communication. One partner may be more in tune with their emotions than the other, or one may have a more robust set of coping mechanisms. Recognizing and acknowledging these different characteristics can help set the stage for a healthy therapy process.

Prepare Yourselves Emotionally and Mentally

It’s important to recognize that couples therapy is hard work. To prepare, you need to get yourself ready emotionally and mentally in order for it to be effective.

You shouldn’t expect every therapy session to be cathartic and healing. Sometimes, it can be an hour-long practice of patience, it might require substantial self-reflection, and it will certainly require both you and your partner to change the way you think and behave in order to see results.

Often, people can resist the emotional and mental challenges of couples therapy. But when you are able to embrace that these difficult times are the work of achieving your relationship goals, you can make real progress in healing the damages of the past.

Enter Therapy With an Open Mind

People enter couples therapy for all types of reasons, but often, the most important component to therapeutic success is keeping an open mind in the therapeutic process. You may feel like you know just what the problem is, only for your therapist to identify something else entirely as the underlying issue.

The default state for most people is to reject this premise, hold onto their beliefs, and not change their thoughts, actions, or behaviors. But even though this is the natural response, it often isn’t the path to true healing and recovery.

By keeping an open mind in your couples therapy sessions, you can expand the way you think, the way you perceive your partner, and even the way your partner perceives you. This openness not only illuminates how other people are feeling but can shine a light on the path to recovery and healing.

Recognize That Therapy Takes Time

People will often live in unhappy marriages or relationships for years before ever seeking couples therapy. Yet when they finally make the decision to seek out professional help to get better, they want instant gratification and results.

Unfortunately, there is no quick-fix solution for healing relationship challenges, even if you have the best therapist available.

Couples therapy takes time. It takes time for your therapist to understand the issues between you and your partner, understand each one of you as a person, and develop a plan of action that can help you resolve your interpersonal challenges.

Even when the specific problems are detailed and a plan of action is put into place, this often requires breaking patterns of thinking and behavior that have been happening for years. These changes don’t always work in a linear fashion, but require concerted effort and dedication on behalf of multiple individuals.

Typically, couples counseling will last between three and six months. If you haven’t gotten the results you’ve been hoping for in the first couple of weeks, don’t give up yet.

It’s Okay to Not Be Fully Prepared

As you can tell, there’s an abundance of ways you can prepare for couples therapy. But life is filled with other challenges and responsibilities, and you can’t spend every waking hour thinking about your next therapy session.

If you don’t have clear preparations for every stage of therapy, that’s okay. If you can’t answer some of the questions above, that’s fine, too. Bring them up with your therapist. You aren’t expected to know how therapy works before you begin.

Start Couples Therapy at APN

When you’re ready to begin couples therapy, reach out to the team at APN. Our team can help you find the right therapist for you, set up an initial consultation, and provide you with the support you need to get your relationship back on track. Contact us by filling out our confidential contact form or by calling us at 855.934.1178.

References

• Ardito, Rita B, and Daniela Rabellino. “Therapeutic alliance and outcome of psychotherapy: historical excursus, measurements, and prospects for research.” Frontiers in psychology vol. 2 270. 18 Oct. 2011, doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2011.00270
• Liddle, H.A., Kareem, S. (2019). Multidimensional Family Therapy. In: Lebow, J.L., Chambers, A.L., Breunlin, D.C. (eds) Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-49425-8_164

Reviewed by Karri Francisco, LMFT

Sometimes, in the midst of family struggles, it’s hard to objectively assess our needs as individuals and as members of a unit. While relationships and things like shared values and beliefs hold families together, there are often secrets that bind them as well. Sometimes there are closely guarded, even generational, family secrets that are not apparent to a casual observer.

A family can look completely harmonious and put together, while just below the surface lie secrets and struggles that create serious friction and distance. The stress of protecting the family image can erode the family’s health over time.

If you’re wondering if your family needs help, chances are something is creating a feeling of discomfort. Maybe your family has experienced a significant event that has left you all struggling to cope. Or there’s a tension between you that you can’t exactly name. Maybe you’re struggling with an unhealthy pattern of behavior. Sometimes, the dynamic can feel off because you’ve changed as a person or developed a simple desire for things to be better in some way.

As individuals, we all deserve support, and sometimes we need help getting our needs met. Families are the same: sometimes, you need professional support to work through things and ensure that everyone gets their needs met.

Signs Your Family Might Need Family Therapy

Here are some signs that family therapy might be helpful for your family:

• Your family isn’t getting along. Conflicts between family members never seem to get resolved, and being together is just an emotional drain.
• Communication has broken down. Communication is the foundation of any relationship, and when it breaks down, conflicts and resentments soon follow. You try talking things out but don’t seem to be getting anything but more hurt feelings.
• You’re avoiding each other. Sometimes things can get so bad that family members stop talking and avoid interacting altogether. This doesn’t always happen in a dramatic fallout; sometimes, this disconnection is gradual until one day, you realize no one is talking anymore.
• The family is dealing with substance abuse or serious mental illness. These issues can create distress and dysfunction within families struggling to support their loved one. Even if your family is aware of the problems, they may not know how to offer support in healthy ways. Codependency and enabling behaviors can create rifts between family members.
• You’re now a blended family and find yourselves struggling to bring the two families together.
• Parenting or co-parenting is a struggle.
• The family is struggling with a loss or significant event.
• Life has brought unexpected changes such as a major move, a job change, or welcoming grandparents or adult children into the home. Changes in living arrangements can create distress in the family; big changes, especially unexpected ones, can create imbalance and distress.

Whatever reason you feel drawn to family therapy, the important thing to know is that your family therapist is trained to help families deal with all kinds of conflict.

How Can Family Therapy Help?

It might surprise you that not every family who comes to therapy is in crisis. Sure, sometimes an event happens that shakes the family to its core. Often one or more family members find themselves struggling and wanting to help heal rifts or gain support. For some families, a communication breakdown is reason enough for therapy. Dysfunctional patterns can create instability and tension.

The reasons for seeking family therapy are as unique as the families seeking help. Some of the most common reasons for seeking family therapy include:

• Adjusting to new circumstances (e.g., a move, blending of a family)
• Unresolved conflicts within the family
• Parent-child conflicts (adult children or younger)
• Behavioral problems that are affecting the family
• Substance abuse or mental illness in the family
• A significant loss or health crisis
• A catastrophic event that the family is struggling to come to terms with

Each family will have their own reasons for choosing family therapy. Sometimes, families come to therapy not really knowing what the problem is – they simply know that things are out of balance and they need help. Whatever the reason, a family therapist can help the family sort through the issues and find solutions and tools to help everyone heal.

Benefits of Online Family Therapy

Traditionally, families sought therapy in an office with everyone sitting in a large room. But getting everyone together in the same place at the same time can be challenging, especially if some family members live far from home.

Today, therapists can conduct family therapy online and bring everyone together in one place, even from multiple locations. Online family therapy can be especially helpful when a family member is in treatment or lives far away. A virtual platform offers other advantages to families, such as:

• Flexibility in scheduling
• Zero required travel
• Cost-effectiveness
• Comfortable surroundings (e.g., your home)

Online family therapy is as effective as in-person family therapy. Some studies have even found online therapy to be more effective than in-person.

Of course, some situations require in-person therapy. A family therapist can help you to determine which setting is most appropriate for your family’s needs.

When family members learn how to work together, the whole family can heal and become stronger.

What If They Won’t Go?

Deciding to start therapy isn’t always easy, and getting a family on board can be even more challenging. People have fears and concerns that make asking for help hard. Here are some of the common barriers that keep people from seeking therapy.

Shame

Shame is one of the most common barriers to seeking professional help. In some families, going outside of the family can be perceived as shameful or a sign of weakness, and it’s a fear that family members are often unwilling to face. In reality, attending therapy is a positive and proactive step towards a healthier family.

Someone with a history of family illness would benefit from the professional support of a specialist who could tell them what to look out for, help them get a diagnosis, and create a treatment plan. Family therapy is similar: a therapist can look at the family as a whole and make informed, professional, objective observations with treatment recommendations rooted in evidence.

Privacy

Another concern people have is privacy and confidentiality. Will people be able to find out that I’m in therapy or be able to find out what I say? Whether you or another family member choose to share your therapy information is up to you. Confidentiality is at the heart of a therapist-client relationship.

Strict legal and ethical boundaries prevent therapists from breaking confidentiality, and there are very few instances where a therapist is legally obligated to release information. Your therapist will discuss those limits of confidentiality with you and your family.

When it comes to online family therapy, the same rules apply. Therapists and mental health companies take drastic measures to ensure client confidentiality and HIPAA compliance, especially on a virtual platform.

Pride

Some people have difficulty asking for or accepting help – they think they can or should be able to handle things on their own. Therapy isn’t about “fixing” someone. Instead, it’s a stepping stone to increasing one’s autonomy and learning how to handle things in healthier ways.

Being the Scapegoat

Many people envision family therapy as a setup for an inevitable fight, with everyone arguing and blaming each other for what’s happening. By the time a family comes to therapy, they’ve probably had more than a few blowups, leaving the family wounded and emotionally disconnected.

Getting vulnerable in an unfamiliar environment can be especially painful for someone like the family scapegoat who’s already been on the receiving end of verbal assault.

But family sessions aren’t the same free-for-all skirmishes people might experience at home; instead, a family therapist guides each session, providing a safe space to explore issues. A therapist can assess the unhelpful dynamics, help the family get to the root of blame, and process the deeper issues contributing to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Moving Past the Obstacles

What if a family member still won’t attend therapy? It happens. But you can still make progress – not every family member has to attend therapy for the family to benefit.

Sometimes, when a family member sees that others are making positive changes, they may feel more motivated to join in. But even if they don’t, the rest of the family can still benefit and learn healthy ways of interacting.

Find Whole-Family Support

At All Points North, we believe that a healthy family is the foundation for individual growth and wellness. We are proud to offer online family therapy services provided by our team of dedicated family therapists. Telehealth sessions are provided using a secure, HIPAA-compliant platform.

We’ve created a full continuum of care to support you in your wellness, from detox and assessment to residential and outpatient treatment, mind-body fitness, interventional psychiatry, neurotechnology, family therapy, and couples therapy. Our evidence-based, client-centered treatment approaches can support you and your family, both as individuals and as a unit.

To learn more, reach out to our contact center at 855.235.9792 or start a conversation online. There is a way forward, and we can help you find healing, personal growth, and recovery.

Reference

• Varghese, Mathew et al. “Family Interventions: Basic Principles and Techniques.” Indian Journal of Psychiatry vol. 62,Suppl 2 (2020): S192-S200. doi:10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_770_19
• “A Portrait of Stepfamilies.” Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project, Pew Research Center, 13 Jan. 2011, https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2011/01/13/a-portrait-of-stepfamilies/.
• McLean, Siân A et al. “Exploring the Efficacy of Telehealth for Family Therapy Through Systematic, Meta-analytic, and Qualitative Evidence.” Clinical Child and Family Psychology review vol. 24,2 (2021): 244-266. doi:10.1007/s10567-020-00340-2
• University of Zurich. “Psychotherapy via internet as good as if not better than face-to-face consultations.” ScienceDaily, 30 July 2013, www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/07/130730091255.htm